Mothering: Inside Voice

My son is four.  That means many things.  It means he and I struggle with his quest for autonomy.  It means that he is more verbally expressive.  It means that he is doing more independent thinking.  It means that he is becoming more manipulative.  It means that he is becoming an expert boundary pusher.  I find myself grappling with my parenting choices and refining my parenting style as we go.  That's the norm, I know.  However, when your child is having a melt-down because chicken, peas and rice wasn't his ideal meal...logic tends to be replaced with emotion.  For me, that emotion creates more harm in the situation than good.  I am also, with the aid of my husband of course, creating a parenting style that is completely different than what he or I experienced growing up.  So, we're sailing this ship with no compass...except our inner compass (that has to always be re-calibrated).

I talked about "purposeful parenting" in this post.  We really try to parent him with consideration and empathy, patience and creativity.  I am on a journey with my son and my husband that is beautiful and daunting at the same time.

There is a new tool in my parenting arsenal..."Inside Voice".  I know you've heard teachers tell students to use their inside voice - you may have uttered the phrase to your kids.  Well, I'm not using it in it's traditional sense.  I am using MY inside voice.  I find myself yelling at him and becoming extremely animated when correcting his behavior.  It's lunacy really.  It's as though I expect him to have the couth and maturity of an adult.  When he doesn't display the desired behavior, I buck my eyes, clinch my jaw and raise my voice.  I am displaying the very behavior that I am asking him not to.  I remember HATING that as a child.  There were always two standards - one for my mother, and one for me.  So, we spoke and made the decision to not yell at the boy.  Instead, we use our inside voice, look him in the eye and say what we need to say.  It is amazing how quickly these situations are diffused now.  I'm so grateful.  Now, I can THINK before I react to him.  It gives me time to understand his actions.

You know what else I do?  I apologize to him.  Sometimes I'm wrong.  I think that he isn't doing something I ask of him and I send him to the "Quiet Corner" when really he did do what I asked.  When that happens, I hug him and tell him that I apologize.  I want him to know that mommies make mistakes just like you.  I want him to know that he is worthy of my respect and I am worthy of his too.

I will continue to share my parenting revelations with you.  I would really appreciate if you would share yours with me as well.

I would like to leave you with this thought...
Women are powerful.  We are the mothers and the care takers of the Earth.  However, we are often unaware of our power and thus, many of us are rendered impotent.  Let's make an effort to share what we know with one another so that we may help our sisters shine, grow and glow. I will continue to share my knowledge and experiences with you.  Please share with someone else so that we may be strong and powerful together.

Rose Knows: Purposeful Parenting

Yep, 'cause no other form of discipline has EVER worked right?  WTF!

The way in which we're raising Picard is completely different from the way my mama raised me.  That's okay because she and I are two different people that have had two very different sets of life experiences.  When I realized I was to become a mother, I began recalling my upbringing and deciding which strategies and tactics I would take with me into my own parenting journey.  I was surprised to realize, that I didn't want to use much of what I experienced. I didn't want to continue the tradition (especially in the African American community) of spankings/beatings and I didn't want to let my frustration guide my parenting and yell and react harshly when kids do...well...kid shit.

I guess if I had to put a title on our style of parenting it would be conscious parenting.  I really like to call it "purposeful parenting".

 Disclaimer:  My mother was/is a good mom.  She did what she thought was best and I am forever grateful for the mother that she is. As much as I'm trying to be a good mother, I know that inevitably, my little guy will grow into a man and critique and question the parenting choices that his father and are making.  Though it may sting a little...I'll encourage him to be a purposeful parent and invest time in actually learning how to be the best parent possible.  Part of that is looking at your own experiences.  

I do not allow anyone else's opinion on how children should be raised to impact my decisions for my son.  I don't spank him because I don't believe that hitting my son and acquiring his respect and obedience through fear is the best I can do as a parent.  My thinking is that - since I have been on earth 27 years longer than him, I can most certainly use my intellect and creativity to EARN his respect and obedience.  The notion that your child must respect and obey you simply because they're your child to me...is inaccurate.  Spankings for me as a child, only served to stop me from exhibiting whatever the offending behavior was in front of my mother.  It did not curtail my desire to do whatever it was.  It did not teach me WHY whatever the behavior was - was wrong. You know what DID teach me?  My mother's words.  After I got spankings, I received lengthy talks about the offending behavior.  Spanking = no lesson/Talking and Discussing = lesson  Another thing is, I only got spankings when my mom was angry.  I don't think your frustrations should be physically taken out on a child.

I don't really need to say "to each his own" because that is a given.  I already know I'm in the minority.  However, I'm sharing this because I don't think many of us are "Purposeful Parents".  I think a lot of us just do what we can to take good care of our children.  Folks will go to school and conferences to learn how to become an engineer or how to be a successful blogger and will never pick-up a parenting book or even just take a moment to evaluate how well they're doing as a parent.

Don't get me wrong, sometimes Mr. Picard takes me there and I want to pop him one!  It's definitely not EASY to parent him this way.  It would be much easier for me to hit him.   Yell at him.  Shut him down.  BUT I realize that all of those behaviors would be showing him the antithesis of what I want him to exemplify as a person.  If I give in to some of my urges and spank him, I'm not being a good communicator, I'm not exhibiting self control, creative problem solving and non-violent conflict resolution.

I am an advocate of "Purposeful Parenting". Decide that you're going to be invested in being a parent. Evaluate your parenting every once in a while and make a conscious effort to increase your parenting skills.  It benefits your child, you and your family as a whole.

Do you ever think about how you parent?