On Friendship...

Everyone has been hurt by a friend.  I don't care who you talk to.  A friend betrayed them, disappointed them, mislead them, scarred them, etc.  Those experiences shape how we view relationships.  When it comes to women, the sting of those unpleasant experiences seem to be more significant and long lasting.  Truthfully, I think a lot of us are really good at holding eternal grudges (which is a flaw in our culture but, that's another topic of discussion).  Others, keep trying their hand at friendship and succeed at having healthy, well balanced friendships with other women.  Now me...well...

When I was a young girl, it seemed as though I was either the odd girl out, or the place holder friend. What's a placeholder?  Oh, it's the friend that you hang out with because the friends you really want to be around aren't available.  Like I said, it seemed that way.  Looking back on it, I suppose I just felt out of place.  I struggled with who I was versus who I wanted to be. You know, regular self-doubt rights of passage.  This carried on into my high school years.  The majority of my friendships would end in some melodramatic blaze of non-glory or another.

I met my closest friends in undergrad while searching for myself through sorority life (yet another discussion for later).  They are the women that would be in my wedding and the women that would be my son's "play Aunties"(you know you've got to have those).  We are solid to this day. We're solid because we genuinely understand each other and we allow each other to be who we are.  We respect each other's space.  We aren't easily offended by one another.  We're candid with one another without fear of penalty.  We're...solid.

Tragically, I've burned through two "best friends" in adulthood.  One time, about 8 years ago, a friend of mine told me that she doesn't have best friends.  I remember being shocked at this admission!  She very eloquently stated her reasons, and although they were logical and I completely understood her reasoning, I couldn't help but to feel sorry for her.  I thought, who will she share her inner-most thoughts with?  Who will be the vault and keep all of her darkest secrets?  Who will co-sign her binge eating trips to the Mexican restaurant (okay, maybe that's a me thing)?

Now, I AM her.  I am the woman who doesn't desire a best friend.  There is validation and security in a BFF.  There is comfort too.  However, I view best friend life like a chore.  There is a certain level of interaction required for a successful BFF relationship and it's a pace that I can't keep.  This is the crux of the reason why my previous attempts at BFFhood have failed.  Since I know this, I won't enter into another one of those type friendships.  I may be violating some American girl code here but, I'll own it.

The friend cycle has been bizarre and exhausting but, by facing who I am and what I NEED as a person, I think I've finally gotten it right...