My Cosmo VoxBox Post is Better Than Yours! Venus Embrace, Ghirardelli Sea Salt Escape, Pilot FriXion Pens and Forever Red

Hey y'all!  Okay, so, here is the tea... If you don't have an Influenster account, then you're living in the dark ages of paid surveys and recycling cans for coins (okay maybe that's still awesome...go green biotch!).  It's a fun site that will send you products to review!  I mean first of all, it's never bad stuff and second of all it gives you blog content!

Sooo....let's talk about this "Cosmo VoxBox".

My FAVE thing in the ENTIRE box is the Venus Embrace razor:

Okay, I have to de-hair every other week.  I held off an extra week just to put the razor to the ultimate test...hey...don't look at the screen like that! LOL!  It was a smooth shave!  I switched out the blades and tried the "Oil of Olay" blades...OH MY GOD!  My skin felt so good and moisturized! I loved how I could just switch the blades out like that! The shave was a close shave but, not uncomfortable.   This is my go-to from now on!  I'm sold!

 My second fave out of the box were the Pilot FriXion erasable ink pens!:

Aside from the fact that the ink is erasable, I loved the grip on the pens and the fact that Pilot makes them!  I'm an avid list writer and sticky note user!  Also, the unique tribal design on the pens will allow me to easily identify them in case any of my co-workers try to abscond with my pens!

My third favorite thing was the Ghirardelli Sea Salt Escape: 

When you want salty and sweet in one bite...this yummy delight will do it!  I mean this is a menstruating girl's best friend!  Throw-in some salt and vinegar potato chips and it's a break-up snack fest!

Last but not least is Forever Red by Bath and Body Works: 

This sexy perfume is (in my opinion) for an evening out (or in) with your honey.  It's sensual, floral and subtle with a hint of musk.  One dab behind each ear, one dab on each wrist and a over the panties coo-coo spray and you're golden! :)

I REALLY enjoyed everything in my little Cosmo VoxBox!  Definitely an A+ package!

2012 #FatGirl Bucket List

Listen, I'm not going to sugar coat it by, calling myself "thick", "curvy" or "voluptuous" I'm cute and sexy but, I'm fat.  I've gotten too big for my own health and comfort.  My coo-coo is hot all the time because my stomach lays on top of it and my thighs close over it.  I have to tuck my back fat into my bra strap and my chin and neck are inviting other chins and necks to visit all the time!

This isn't a I'm fat pitty party, I'm just setting up my post...follow me.

I've decided to live a healthier lifestyle for 2013 and beyond.  It's imperative to my personal happiness and comfort.

BUT...I've still got some things to eat before I get started.

Cracker Barrel Biscuits are freakin' amaze-balls!  Figo's Crabmeat Ravioli with Arrabbiata sauce...have mercy #PraiseMoses its' good!  Antico's pizza is authentic Italian good shit.  Papa John's taste like Chuck E Cheese pizza compared to this stuff.  #BankheadBounceGood  Finally, Curry shrimp Roti...this thing alone is a good Fifteen-HUNNID' calories but, it too shall visit the party in my tummy (so yummy, so yummy).

Checker's French Fries are seasoned with the magic of the fast food #SodiumGreaseandSoul.  Flammin' Hot Cheetos cannot and shall not be consumed without a Grape Fanta. #RatchetSnack and last but certainly not least, I must add the low cost, bottom of the barrel AmeriMex food that is the 7 Layer Burrito from the Bell of Tacos...don't forget that Fire Sauce to go with it #YumYumYumDelicioso

Clearly, I'm getting my gluttony out of the way before I sell my soul (and my stomach, thighs, chin, neck and back fat bra roll) to 2013...any more sinnin' to do before the New Year?

Since The World Might End...I'm Going In!

If the Mayan calendar is correct then, this is my last blog post.  I'm pretty sure, it's not but, for the sake of an excuse to act foolish, I'd like to create the my #GetChoLife #NegroPlease #Whaaaa and #Praise Moses lists for 2012.

The Chris Brown, Rihanna and Karrueche Tran Love Triangle:  Please stop. Chris, be with one or the other, but, not both.  C'mon now!  And ladies...stop playing with his pee-pee if you know it's not yours! That mess is tap dancing on my last coo-coo hair!

Apple:  Stop suing folks and holding patents and being douche bags.  If you truly care about the growth of technology and advancement, stop trying to create a damn monopoly!  Now!  How ya like THEM Apples...biotches!?!?!

All the States that filed Secession Petitions:  Really?  Y'all want to leave the union?  Well, take ya bish-asses on!  I understand you being upset but, if you didn't leave when Bush and Reagan were in office then...

Kat Williams:  HAVE. SEVERAL. SEATS!  I've rented out the GA Dome for you...just sit down!

Kenya Moore:  I remember watching Miss USA the year she won!  I was such a happy little girl watching her get crowned.  She has tarnished her legacy by acting so ugly all on the television.  My granny always said:  Pretty is as pretty does.  According to granny logic...this chick is Bear-illa (that would be a bear and gorilla) ugly.

Nicki Minaj:  Don't fight with THE Mariah Carey and do all that extra stuff!  Be your...original, out the box, pushing the envelope self...just keep your "gangsta" in your pocket...while you're on the television at least.

Joseline Hernandez:  Yeah....don't ever fight over a dude.  Just don't. Also, don't brag about taking folk's men from them...karma is like a boomerang (do you know what that is?)...nevermind. Mannnn! <----- and I MEAN that!

Flavor Flav:  Owner of a chicken joint (why??? That's so cliche!), proud father to a baker's dozen worth of kids and recent assault charge catching dude...not a good look Flav.  Do YOU know what time it is?  That's right!  Sit your ass down time!

Trina Braxton:  I love you and your sisters.  BUT...here's what you don't do... Don't go on the television and say that you gave some dude mouth neck and throat KNOWING your sons could watch that!  C'mon girl!

Bobbi Kristina:  Take some time to grow up.  You have your whole life ahead of you.  Don't make anymore statements, don't argue with your family publicly...just lay low and try to grieve and grow-up in peace.

Stacey Dash:  Bish...your accomplishments are this big and your ignorance is THIS BIG!!  Please refrain from speaking.

Donald Trump:  Kill yourself...and take the gun with you to the after life and kill yourself again!

Gabby Douglas:  Thank God for her talent and how she has inspired so many little Black girls!  Folks talking about her hair and they can't even turn a damn cartwheel!

Robin Roberts:  The epitome of a fighter!  Thank God for her being vocal and public about her illnesses giving people hope and courage.

Hurricane Sandy:  Thank God that the damage wasn't worse than it was.  Thank God the people affected are recovering.

President Barack Obama:  Thank God he got re-elected!

Boots and Bows Biotch!

Hey y'all!  Today is my office holiday gathering.  Though I appreciate the free lunch I'm going to have to be honest and say that I'm not SUPER excited to be hanging out with some of these booger mining, booty scratching, penis touching and no hand washing, bigots, jerkfaces and pretentious posers.  The other 10 people are cool though! LOL!

I decided to be a bit festive and dress for the occasion.  We are going to South City Kitchen (prissy southern food for people that lack melanin) which is in walking distance from the office...hence the riding boots.  I'm not scuffing up my heels walking through these ATL streets!  Uh uh Boo Boo!

This is my serious I know think I'm cute face.  Le Boom.

Now that I'm looking at this pose, I'm noticing that my tummy is doing THE ABSOLUTE MOST!  But, hey, it's my stomach boo!  I earned her fair and square!

That's that Vanna Black smile! Pow!

Lace tights (okay these are really footless, they're from my freaky sneaky drawer...you know what I'm talkin' 'bout!  I've got to go buy some PG rated tights.) and boots.  Splack Cow!

Long hair don't care! Peace Biotch!  <--- I had to add that, it's the only way the title of this post makes any sense! LOL!

Any holiday parties coming up?

We're NOT Spoiling him for Christmas...

I love the holidays.  There is a warmth and an undercurrent of excitement that comes along with the holiday season every year.  The decorations, classic television specials, decadent food and gatherings with friends and family make the season bright, to coin a phrase.  All this good cheer and joy is amplified exponentially when you have a child that KNOWS Santa is on the way!

Picard is three now.  For the first time, he is looking forward to Christmas with all the vigor and anticipation that only a child can display.  Just knowing that he is waiting to hear the clicking of reindeer hoofs on our roof makes me want to go all out!  I want him to know that mommy and daddy Santa appreciates how sweet and good and wonderful he is.  However, I don't think it requires going in to debt for some toys that he won't be interested in after Christmas Day.

Therefore, there will not be a plethora of gadgets that sing, boxes that squawk and gizmos that ding.  This is what we've come up with:

Books, Puzzles and Thinking Games:  I think it's pretty ridiculous for kids to only have electronic toys.  Toys are meant to feed and cultivate a child's imagination.  That's so important.  Books are essential for pre-literacy and literacy skills so, that's a given for every holiday.  I think this is the best category on the list.

Undies, Clothes and Shoes: Now that I'm a mother, I totally understand those Christmas boxes stuffed full of undies, socks and clothes that Granny or my Aunts would send.  Think about it, Christmas is an opportune time to replace old clothes, shoes and undies because it's the end of the year!  That stuff is bound to be a little worn due to multiple washes and normal kid wear and tear.

Experiences:  My husband has really changed my mentality when it comes to how I live and what kind of life I want to give our child.  He (my hubby) always talks about us investing in experiences rather than "things".  He is so right!  You're more apt to say "I remember when we went to the zoo that Summer" as opposed to "I remember when I got some miscellaneous toy".

"IT" Toys: Now, I'm not a staunch mom that's too set in  her ways and beliefs for there to be any amount of wiggle room.  I think if you can afford it and it's practical that every kiddie needs one "IT" Toy.

So, that's it!  What are you doing for your kiddies this Christmas?

Ratchet Snack List

Hey Rose Heads!  Are you having a good week?  My week got off to a bumpy start but, I'm making the best of it because this here life is too damn short! 

Sooo, earlier this week, I was venting to the #BLM ladies (Bloggers Like Me) about how this guy at my job was giving me the "oh no" face because I was eating Flamming Hot Cheetos and drinking a Pineapple Fanta.  I wanted him to let me eat my RATCHET SNACK in peace!  I mean dang!  So, that got my wheels turning and I decided to create short lists of all my fave RATCHET SNACK categories!

1. Fritos:  Perfect for dipping, chili's and more!  Hell, you KNOW it was a ratchet person that came up with a damn Frito Pie!  The hot breath advisory makes this perfect for...Ratchet Rating 10! 

2.  Flamming Hot Cheetos:  Cheese and spiciness PLUS it has the lick your fingers treat at the end.  Ratchet approved.

3.   Funyuns:  I mean, it's a chip version of an onion ring.  Ratchet stamp of approval. 

4.  Hot Fries:  Every candy lady, corner store, bodega or side sto' has these.  Spicy and ghetto in a bag.  Ratchet Certified.

5.  Flamming Hot Funyuns:  I mean...it's the baby of Flamming Hot Cheetos and Funyuns.  I bet Flamming Hot Cheetos totally seduced Funyuns.  Hot snack sex...Ratchet XXX.

6.  Cool Ranch Doritos:  A ranch corn chip.  Ratchet bells, ratchet bells, ratchet all the way!

1.  Sunflower seeds:  Anything you chew first only to spit out...definitely a ratchet classic.

2.  Peanuts (especially if they're boiled):  Country and Ratchet.  A hybrid ratchet snack.

3.  Pork Rinds or Cracklin's:  I don't eat no parts of the pig but, growing up, these were in my tummy quite frequently.  AND there was hot sauce involved.  Ratchet, ratchet everywhere and not a drop to drink.

4.  Fiddle Faddle or Crunch and Munch or the Carmel popcorn in that big ass tub of popcorn that you get during the holidays:  Popcorn with something sweet on top...that shit is not gourmet.  It's ratchet.

1.  Any type of Ramen or Oodles of Noodles:  Anything that costs $0.10 a pack...ratchet.  But I WILL put some Texas Pete hot sauce on them and SUPER MAN that bowl...Now watch me Youuuuuuuuu! Any food that makes you burst into a rap song...it's ratchet.

2.  Banquet Pot pie:  Meat and veggies in a crust with gravy.  Yeah...ratchet.  PLUS...they'll like $0.50.

3.  Bar S Hot dogs:  Again, I don't eat meat but, growing up...I would fry these up, get some bread with some onions and mustard.  Whoa Lord!  Help me Moses!  RAT-CHET-TA!

4.  Frozen Hot wings:  Super, triple, sigh...Twinkle, twinkle, ratchet snack...how I wonder where you at!

1.  Air Heads:  Boy!  That mystery white flavor!  Make you do the Tootsie Roll (don't act like you don't remember that dance).  Sweet and Ratchet.

2.  Now and Laters:  You already know "Red" is the best flavor! Chewy and ratchet.

3.  Sweet or Sour Gummy Worms:  Ratchet classic. 

4.  Lemon Heads:  If you know how to make the box whistle after you're done eating them...then, you're ratchet royalty!

1.  Pineapple Fanta.

2.  Orange Fanta.

3.  Grape Fanta.

4.  Tahitian Treat.

All ratchet because they are fruit flavored.  Raaaaaaaaa (take a breath) aaaatchet!

What are your favorite ratchet snacks?

This AIN'T Working Out...

This isn't working.  Get up. Get dressed.  Dress Picard.  Perform miscellaneous pre-work tasks.  Drive through maddening traffic. Get to work late.  Live in fear of loosing my job for being late. Resent job.  Go through the guilt of resenting a "good paying" job when so many don't have one.  Lament over my looming and ever growing list of duties that are non-work related.  Make promises to myself.  Make lots of lists and affirmations.  Get in the car.  Fight traffic to get to the daycare in time.  Rush to cook dinner.  Spend some precious family time.  Grind (most times no bumping). Sleep. Repeat.

My dream is to stay at home and be a SAHM (stay at home mom) and run my crafting business as well.  It's not a lofty dream.  It's just that in order for me to not work, we are going to have to pay down our debt.  Which isn't overwhelming but, it's substantial.  Especially when you factor in student loans for two people.  Cliche as it may sound, I know that nothing worth having comes easy.  I'm am attempting patience but, today, I'm just a skosh discouraged, frustrated and annoyed with my dream.

It would help me to be able to still work for someone else but, be able to do it from home.  Sigh...

The only thing I have to do is stay Black and Die...

I don't watch television as much as I did when I was a girl.  Back then, I was carefree, bill free and virtually innocent to the ills and demands of society.  As much as I would have liked to pretend that I was deeply  immersed in popular culture, I realize now as an adult that I wasn't.  My mother kept me blissfully ignorant to many things.  For that I am grateful.  I appreciate my slow integration into real life. 

I digress.

I don't watch television much.  When I do, I'm usually, watching Hulu trying to catch up on this show or that show.  So, largely again, I am very much like my 12 year old self.  Living blissfully in my own world, unaffected by the advertisers clamoring for my dollars, wedding shows that create a thirst for a wedding do-over and clothing commercials that make me want to switch from being pescetarian to a liquidtarian to fit into the newest, shortest or tightest thing they've come out with. 

BUT...then I woke up...

I am not affected by television programming but, I'm extremely affected by social media.  Which is the reason why I haven't been posting here lately.  I got overwhelmed and I needed to back up off of it and sit my cup down (if you don't know that line...go stand in the corner).  I was feeling so inadequate.  I felt like my photos weren't good enough, my outfits werent' good enough, my blog design wasn't good enough.  Uh uh!  Too much!  I refuse to obsess over a doggone blog!  I thought I HAD to do certain things in order to be a legit blogger.  Reality is, the only two things in life that I MUST DO are: to stay Black and to die.  That's it.

So, I'm back.  I'm over Google Analytics, Followers, Likes, Tweets, Friends and Fans.  If you like this blog, you'll read it.  If you don't, cool. 

I'm not seeking star-dumb.  I'm seeking creative freedom.

Boom and Shaka Locka.

I'm not a Jockey, I just play one on my blog...

What's up Rose Heads?  I typically shy away from OOTD posts.  I don't ever remember to take pictures in the day time.  So, it makes it hard to have nice photos for a post.  Also, because even though I think I'm pretty fly, I've recently been compairing myself to other bloggers.  I don't kow why I do that!  Those ladies are passionate about fashoin so, they spend a lot of money and time perfecting their looks and their blogs.  Me, I work full time, go to school, craft and run my side business so, I don't have as much time as I would like to really dig into fashion.  But, I do love it!

So, my husband bought me these riding boots I've been drooling over.  He said he wanted to spoil me.  I love that man! While running errands this past weekend, I thought I'd create an outfit around them.  Check it!

Okay, now, NeShanta of Styleisshe.com would probably drop kick me for carry my Dooney & Burke instead of a manageable clutch. BUT...I'm a mommy of a three year old.  I need my "stuff" man! LOL!  The sad part is I have other purses.  I'm going to TRY to do better since I know better.

My hubby took these photos.  He kept telling me it was too dark in the house but, I was like so!  I'm not running a fashion blog!  It is what it is.  But, he was right.  These pics are bad.  Sigh... I'll do better with that as well.

I'm going to continue to do these posts because they make me think of what I'm going to wear in advance and motivate me to continue to look and feel my best!

Fit Facts:

Tweed Jacked - Thrifted

Striped Top - Thrifted

Pants - Forever 21 +

Necklace - Forever 21

Boots - Gianni Bini (Dillards this season)

Bag - Dooney and Burke

My first love was a Girl...

Hey Rose Heads.  Today, while browsing FB, I saw some rather hateful anti-gay stuff.  I just sat there staring at my screen feeling "safe" because I'm married to a man, we have a son and we appear "normal".  The reality is, if I hadn't met him, I could have easily ended up with a woman and a very different lifestyle.  It is extremely comfortable in our bubble.  But, most people don't know that the last person I was with before my husband was a woman.

Gasp and clutch the pearls honey because I'm about to keep it all the way extra real with you.  Oh and disclaimer:  Just because I may be attracted to women doesn't mean I'm trying to snatch your booty.  Don't flatter yourself...just sayin'.

 In high school, I told everyone that I was bi-sexual during my senior year while my boyfriend was away at college.  I think I did it because I wanted the attention and I wanted some female companionship too.  It of course made me a social pariah.  I hated high school... When I got to college in the Fall of 2000, I was a very "green", wide eyed Freshman that wanted to experience everything college had to offer.  My mother did a very good job raising me and she held the reins tight so, I didn't do much partying in high school.  I tried to pretend as though I was seasoned and worldly but, alas, I was not.

My beau and I ended up attending the same college, I knew he just "wasn't that in to me" so I began "wookin' pa nub" (looking for love...c'mon don't you know a good little rascals reference when you see one?).  Ellah (let's just call her that) lived across the hall from me in the dorm.  She was one half swexy, b-ballin', super fly cat and one half ultra feminine, fashionista, girly girl.  She was so damn cool man.  She had to grow up much faster than I and I was impressed by that.  It seemed like she knew everything!  She had game! 

Though our relationship was ill fated.  I loved her deeply with everything that I had.  It was the first time in my life that I felt like that.  I wasn't innocent but, I was just figuring out what love was. I was willing to be and do whatever she wanted just to be with her.  That's not true love...that's something else.

THEN, I met my husband and found out what TRUE LOVE was.  He knows everything about me and loves me anyway.  I don't have to fake, front or pretend to earn his affection.  He celebrates my good qualities and my flaws.  He still tells me I'm beautiful even after watching Picard come out of my coo-coo! That's love.

I'm still attracted to women.  It's not a burden or a struggle.  It's me.  So, when I hear this hate speech about gay people, I'm hurt.  Life is too complicated to be throwing labels and judgements on people.  Live and let live.  Marry and let marry.

Let that hate shit go. 

Cravencrest Episode Ten

Hey Rose Heads!  Enjoy..

EPISODE TEN:

7 months ago in Las Vegas…

Patrick (Dennis): So, Ms. Ashlyn why are you here in my room?

Ashlyn: I guess I’m really feeling you and the liquor a little too much. Why did you invite me to your room?

Patrick (Dennis): I’m so intrigued by you and I wanted to get to know you a little better.

Patrick begins massaging Ashlyn’s shoulders.

Ashlyn: Mmmm that feels great.

Patrick (Dennis): I aim to please. So, tell me about your life. Where are you from? What do you do?

Ashlyn: You’re not some psycho killer are you?

Patrick (Dennis): If I was, you’d be dead already! Look at you asking questions now. After you’re all up in my room on my bed! (He laughs)

He fills her glass with more wine.

Ashlyn: Well, I’m originally from Savannah but, my parents decided to move my freshman year of high school. My parents own 10 McDonald’s franchises and they decided to base their corporate office out of this town called Cravencrest.

Patrick (Dennis): Damn! TEN McDonald’s?

He looks her up and down…

Patrick (Dennis): You obviously don’t eat the food!

Ashlyn: Believe it or not, my parents sold it…but, we didn’t eat it. So…where was I? Oh! I went to Bontemps University on a Track and Field scholarship. I graduated with a degree in Business. Then, I went to New York to get my Cosmetology license from the Paul Mitchell cosmetology school. When I graduated from there, my parents gave me Coiffed as a present.

Patrick (Dennis): Coiffed?

Ashlyn: My bad. Coiffed is the name of my salon. It’s a chic, upscale salon located in the Mitchell District which is the “happening” area of town…you could say.

She stands up and stumbles a little. She stretches and falls back on to the bed.

Patrick (Dennis): You alright girl? No more wine for you!

He takes her glass. She takes it back.

Ashlyn: So, what about you? What’s your story?

Patrick (Dennis): Oh, no…I’m not done learning about you yet.

Ashlyn: Well, what else do you want to know?

Patrick (Dennis): So, you own a salon, your parents are ballin’, you’ve got two degrees and what else?

Ashlyn: There’s nothing else.

Patrick (Dennis): Nothing huh? Okay, do you have a man? Kids? Hobbies?

Ashlyn: No, I don’t have a man. Most of the brothas I’ve gotten with have been trifling, ignorant fools. So, I’m single and happy. I don’t have any kids but, in two or three years I want some…man or not. Let’s see…hobbies? Well, I’m a proud soror of Gamma Phi Delta Sorority, Inc. I'm really active in my chapter.

Patrick (Dennis): Man or not? Oh, so you’re one of those “do it yourself-ers” huh? Alright, alright…I see you. Gamma Phi Delta? I’ve never heard of that. You’re in a made up sorority? I’m a Nupe baby…Yo-Yo!

Ashlyn: Made up? Negro you had better come correct! Don’t have me reciting my history up in here? Ya’ damned Kappa!  And so what if I want to have a family on my own.  Black women have been doing it for forever.  Time and Ashlyn -- waits for no one!

He stands up and gives her a shimmy while twirling one of the bamboo sticks from the floral arrangement.

Ashlyn smiles as she watches his muscles move under his clothes. She finds herself staring with her mouth wide open. She closes her mouth and stands up next to him.

Ashlyn: G-A-M-M-A P-H-I D-E-L-T-A ‘Till the day that I die G-PHI!

He starts tickling her. They both fall to the floor.

Patrick (Dennis): Oh, so, y’all got little chants and stuff huh? That’s so cute. Your little made up sorority…

She’s tipsy so, she gets very upset and yells…

Ashlyn: I became apart of that sorority because they cater to people like me. They accept women with 2 and 4 year degrees, it’s a business and professional sorority and it’s great in the community. DON’T DISRESPECT MY ORG!

Patrick (Dennis): That drink has got you feeling bold huh? Okay, okay…I’m sorry.

He kisses her cheek. She folds her arms and rolls her eyes.

Patrick (Dennis): You still interested in learning about my life or what?

Ashlyn: Oh, you mean other than the fact that you’re a ignorant ass Kappa?

Patrick (Dennis): Yes beautiful…other than that.

Ashlyn: I guess. (Trying to hide her smile)

Patrick (Dennis): Well, I’m from Birmingham, AL. I am an only child. My mother was a Bible thumping sister on Sunday and a back slider Monday thru Saturday! I went to UAB and got my engineering degree. Right now I’m freelancing but, I want to own my own firm. I’m recently estranged from my lover and I have a new lease on life. I love riding my chopper and I just take life as it comes. That’s really me in a nutshell.

Ashlyn: So, do you normally pick up women in casinos?

Patrick (Dennis): Do you normally go on “girls only” trips only to end up with a dude?

Ashlyn: Touché.

She glances at the clock…

Ashlyn: Dang, it’s 6am! I guess I’d better go.

She leans over and kisses him deeply.

Patrick (Dennis): You sure? Let’s order some room service and eat breakfast.

Ashlyn: No, my girls are going to be worried.

Patrick (Dennis): Come on girl…text them and let them know you’re okay. Stay with me.

Ashlyn: Wellllll…..I don’t know.

Patrick: What’s the problem? You gonna be charged for late checkout or something? I’ll pay it.

Ashlyn: Boy please! Money is not a thing to me! I told you my parents set me up right and I am good! I don't know why men always want to jump to the rescue.  Did I ask you to rescue me?  I'm sitting lovely over here!

Patrick (Dennis): Girl didn’t no body challenge your networth! What are you a trust fund baby?

Ashlyn: That’s right! A cool mil. And that’s on top of the life insurance and inheritance from my parents. I’m not bragging…I’m just saying.

Patrick (Dennis): Uh huh…so about that room service.

She wants to argue some more but, realizes it would be in vain.

Ashlyn: Let’s do it. Why not?

Patrick (Dennis): Marry me.

Ashlyn: What?

Patrick (Dennis): Marry me. Let’s be together like this always.

Ashlyn: Marry you?  I don’t even know your full name.

Patrick (Dennis): It’s Dennis Davis.

Copyright © 2010 - 2012 Cravencrest. All Rights Reserved. Do not duplicate or redistribute in any form.

Cravencrest Episode Nine

Happy Monday Rose Heads!  It's time for your weekly dose of Cravencrest!  Cravencrest is a weekly soap opera that I write.  I started writing it in 2010 and I've brought it back just for you!  If you want to get caught up, click the "Cravencrest" tab at the top of the blog!

EPISODE NINE:

We begin this episode at the 7th Street Sushi Bar. Tasha, Corlis, Valencia and Adrienne are having a girl’s night out.


Valencia: Waiter, excuse me, may I have some more sake please?

Corlis: I don’t see how you drink that stuff. It’s so strong! I can smell it all the way over here.

Valencia: Well I like it…hell.

Tasha: Y’all please act like you have some sense. My girl Adrienne will be here in a minute and I don’t want you to make her feel like an outcast.

Corlis: Why do you always have to give folks a lecture? We are extra grown now. You kill me with that. (She smiles)

Valencia: That’s alright Tasha…preach on, preach on! We’ll be nice. Well, let me speak for myself.

Corlis: Yeah, speak for yourself humph! Just kidding…I’ll be nice, I promise.

Adrienne walks in the restaurant. Tasha sees her and flags her over to their table. Adrienne smiles and walks to the back of the restaurant.

Adrienne: Hey Tasha! (Hugs her from the side) Hey how y’all doing? I’m Adrienne; it’s nice to meet you.

Valencia: Hey I’m Valencia, you can call me Val.

Adrienne: Hey Val. (She smiles)

Corlis: Don’t nobody call your ass Val….VALENCIA!

Tasha: Adrienne, this grumpy old soul is Corlis.

Corlis: Ya mama!

Adrienne: Uh, hey. (She opens a menu) So, ladies are the California rolls good?

Tasha: California rolls? I don’t know….my favorite here is the crunchy tuna roll.

Adrienne: Oh, that does sound good.

Tasha: So, listen ladies, I called this “ladies night out” meeting to celebrate a milestone in my life.

Tasha reaches into her pocket and slips on her engagement ring. She holds up her hand in front of her face. Everyone gasps as they look at her ring. She smiles a big smile and looks at her hand.

Tasha: Can you believe it? Wes proposed last week. Keeping it a secret has been killing me; I wanted to tell you all so bad!

Corlis: So, when is the date? I know I’m the maid of honor right?

Adrienne: What are the colors?

Valencia: Uh, um, excuse me girls. I’ll be right back.

Tasha: You alright? You look sick.

Valencia: Oh, I’m fine, I’ve just been feeling a little queasy all day.  I just need to go to the ladies room.  Be right back.

She scoots out of the booth and walks away.

Corlis: I told her ass that damn sake was too much!

Tasha: She said all day…not just now. Leave her alone Corlis damn!

Corlis: Well, it’s probably all those fumes from working at that shop. I mean, how many perms can you do without becoming sick?

Adrienne: I know I don’t know her very well, but…is she pregnant? That’s exactly how I was when I had my son, Caleb.

Tasha: You think she might be? Damn.

Corlis: Anything is possible. She’s been with Drexel a long time. She did tell me that they don’t use condoms. Talkin’ bout he just pulls out. Humph! I told her dumb ass…now she pregnant. Lawd Jesus!

Adrienne: Well, I don’t know if she is, I was just….

Tasha: Corlis will you shut up? She’s going to hear you telling all her business!

Valencia comes from around the corner and stands behind Tasha.

Valencia: What business?

Corlis: The fact that you and Drexel don’t use condoms and you actin’ all pregnant.

Valencia: You are so ignorant Corlis. ANYWAY (Rolling her eyes at Corlis) Tasha finish telling us about the wedding.

Tasha: Well, we know that we want to get married in the summer. So, it’ll probably be next summer in May or June. The colors are going to be cream, fuchsia and burnt orange. I’m going to have three bridesmaids and they’re all sitting here at this table! I’m going to have two maids of honor CORLIS! I want y’all to each wear a different style of dress. This is going to be hot! The groomsmen will wear suits and not tuxes and…

Valencia starts to cry. She is trying to wipe the tears before anyone pays attention. Tasha looks at her and touches her hand.

Tasha: Valencia, what’s wrong boo? Please tell us what’s going on with you! You’re scaring me.

Valencia: (She starts sniffling) Okay, you were right, I am pregnant.

Corlis: Then why the hell are you drinking girl? (Snatching the sake from Valencia’s hand) Have mercy Jesus!

Valencia: Do you want to chastise me or do you want to know what’s going on?

Corlis: I’m sorry…go ahead. (She drinks the sake)

Valencia: I’m pregnant but, it’s not Drexel’s.

Corlis:  Shut the front door!

Valencia: Remember that guy Patrick Crixus I told y’all about?

Tasha: The guy that owns an Engineering Firm or something? I thought you said he was gay!

Valencia: It’s just all messed up. I can’t have this baby. He is gay! And me being pregnant isn’t the worst part. The worst part is I think he used to be married to Ashlyn.

Adrienne: Your boss?

Corlis: What? How do you know that?

Valencia: When we were together last he told me all this stuff.  He said…

Copyright © 2010 - 2012 Cravencrest. All Rights Reserved. Do not duplicate or redistribute in any form.

THINGS I'm THANKful for...

Sup Rose Heads?  As you know this blog is random.  It's random because I'm random.  Let me tell you something, when people think you're crazy, that is so freeing!  Try it sometimes...but, don't say I told you to do it!  This blog is like the Seinfeld of the the blogging world. 

Now, I have a list of THINGS that I'm grateful for and I'd like to share them.  I'm not going to include any of the obligatory things that a mother and a wife should, like "the love of my family", "peace in my soul" or "the festive fall leaves"...you've heard that enough!  >>Insert cliche'...don't judge me<<

Here is my list.  Boom.

The Rubbermaid Reveal Mop:

This mop is the best mop I've EVER used!  I hate mopping!  It's right up there with doing laundry and de-hairing my body!  However, this mop makes mopping kind of fun.  Let me explain:  You can make your own cleaning mixture.  The bottle comes off, and you can add any cleaner you want!  I do, two parts water, one part Purple Fabuloso and one part Clorox Clean-up.  The pads are microfiber and pick up everything.  They're not hard on your floors and they are very absorbent.  I love the fact that they hook AND Velcro onto the mop head so you KNOW they're not going anywhere. I throw them in the washer when I'm done and boom, pap (not smear), pow...I'm good!  No stinky mop smell!  The mop head swivels and is really flat so you can scoop under the fridge and the range.  Finally, to dispense the cleaner, you squeeze a trigger.  Uh...GENIUS!  Kill. That. Dirt.

Johnson and Johnson's Baby Oil Gel:

My mama is from Birmingham, AL but, my father is from NIGERIA!  So, I have some serious skin!  I'm not saying all African people have dry skin but, my daddy does!  He passed that crocodile skin down to me!  Over the years, I have used Vaseline, Eucerin and even Cocoa Butter to moisturize my skin.  BUT...I have found that if I apply this as soon as I get out of the shower, my skin stays moisturized all day!  I like to mix it with Shea butter during the cold months.  It WILL stain your clothes though! Be careful!

Walker's Wood Jerk Seasoning:

I don't know about you but, I LOVE Jerk seasoning!  It's just good in my soul!  If you don't like ethnic foods or spicy foods, this ain't for you boo!  It's a paste so, it's easy to add to chicken, beef, pork or seafood.  Not only is it spicy but, it's flavorful.  There is a mild version of this but, who cares about that? ......No one?  Exactly!  Since I don't eat meat, I use this on fish.  I usually chop up some onion and bell pepper, saute them in olive oil with a little coarse sea salt and garlic.  Then, I add some tilapia in with about a tea spoon full of Walker's Wood and a half a cup of water.  I let that cook for about 15 minutes and BOOM!  Perfect fish to go over rice with a side of veggies!

Caress Body Wash:

I hate those damned little puff things. They scratch my coo-coo (maybe you aren't supposed to use them on your coo-coo). There fore, I use quite a bit of body wash on my wash towel during my showers.  So, it benefits me to use a cost effective product that also moisturizes, washes completely away and smells heavenly.  Caress fits the bill.  I don't know of a retailer where it is not available.  That alone adds to it's value in my opinion. 

Sally Hansen Hair Removal Cream for Face, Upper Lip and Chin:

I have Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome.  Oh, don't cry me a river, I'll be alright. BUT...one of the side effects is a chin full of hair.  So, I use a facial depilatory to remove the hair.  This Sally Hansen product is the best that I've found.  It's quick, it's easy, it's not harsh and you can use it multiple times a week.  Boom and shaka-locka.

Maggi Instant Bouillon:

This stuff is a life saver!  I work full time outside of the home so, I don't have lots of time in the evenings to prepare our family meals.  Also, since I don't eat chicken, turkey, beef or pork, I find that a lot of the veggies I used to prepare with meat as a seasoning don't taste as good.  This seasoning helps me get things done in the blink of an eye.  I use it to flavor my Lima beans, black eyed peas, greens and cabbage.  Only a SMALL AMOUNT is required since it's pure sodium but, it's a great tool to have in your cooking arsenal.  Oh, don't get me started on broth for soups!

So, there you have it, some THINGS I'm grateful for!  Any product faves you're grateful for?