The Last Period...

One day, when I was nine years old, I got off the bus, headed into the house and, dropped my backpack at the door.  Since I hated the school restrooms and would often times go a whole day without peeing, I made a beeline for our comfy "powder room" (I love calling it that).  This was my normal routine.  However, on that particular day, I noticed that I was bleeding when I wiped.  Now, I suppose some other nine year old would have freaked.  Not me!  I immediately knew that I had started my cycle and that I was well on my way to becoming a young woman.  I was actually proud and excited!  Since I was a latch key kid, I had to call my mom to tell her.  She freaked out so badly that she lost her keys in the Eckerd's Drug Store.  That was my welcome into womanhood.  Period in the Powder Room and a delayed mother (insert Lifetime movie music).

Fast forward 23 years, I am having my last period.  Even though we loathe and detest the PMS, cramps, pimples, food cravings and all around inconvenience that accompanies Aunt Flo, it is a big part of what has made me a woman.  It's been there - good or bad for over two decades.  Now, because I have the BRCA1 genetic mutation that causes breast and ovarian cancer, I'm having an oophorectomy AND a healthy dose of menopause.  Last year, I had an oophorectomy to ease the symptoms of PCOS.  And now this year...no more ovaries at all.  Not that I ever really thought about gracefully aging but, I suppose I always imagined still having all my parts...now and forever.

I suppose I'm mourning my ovaries (and my breasts) because I won't be able to have any more children.  Not, naturally anyway.  I didn't even want anymore children.  But, now, I kinda do.  Insert cliche  --> "You never know what you've had until it's gone".  Well, I'm ambivalent about the kid thing.  But, I DO know that I don't want to remove my fucking ovary!  Damn!  My breasts are already gone!  How much more of myself do I have to lop off in order to be healthy!  FUUUUUUCK!  What if I sweat profusely?  I already have to wear deodorant without any antiperspirant!  What if my coo-coo no longer gets wet?

Deep breath...

As I reflect over the past twenty three years, I think about my period and how it has been a right of passage, an indicator that I wasn't pregnant, an indicator that I was pregnant, an embarrassment, a hindrance, a comfort, a betrayer and now...an old reliable friend that I must say goodbye to. 

Next week, I will be a 32 year old menopausal woman.  I remember when I was just a nine year old girl wanting so desperately to be older.  Now, I'm older, wanting so desperately to stay young.

Life is funny that way...

On Friendship...

Everyone has been hurt by a friend.  I don't care who you talk to.  A friend betrayed them, disappointed them, mislead them, scarred them, etc.  Those experiences shape how we view relationships.  When it comes to women, the sting of those unpleasant experiences seem to be more significant and long lasting.  Truthfully, I think a lot of us are really good at holding eternal grudges (which is a flaw in our culture but, that's another topic of discussion).  Others, keep trying their hand at friendship and succeed at having healthy, well balanced friendships with other women.  Now me...well...

When I was a young girl, it seemed as though I was either the odd girl out, or the place holder friend. What's a placeholder?  Oh, it's the friend that you hang out with because the friends you really want to be around aren't available.  Like I said, it seemed that way.  Looking back on it, I suppose I just felt out of place.  I struggled with who I was versus who I wanted to be. You know, regular self-doubt rights of passage.  This carried on into my high school years.  The majority of my friendships would end in some melodramatic blaze of non-glory or another.

I met my closest friends in undergrad while searching for myself through sorority life (yet another discussion for later).  They are the women that would be in my wedding and the women that would be my son's "play Aunties"(you know you've got to have those).  We are solid to this day. We're solid because we genuinely understand each other and we allow each other to be who we are.  We respect each other's space.  We aren't easily offended by one another.  We're candid with one another without fear of penalty.  We're...solid.

Tragically, I've burned through two "best friends" in adulthood.  One time, about 8 years ago, a friend of mine told me that she doesn't have best friends.  I remember being shocked at this admission!  She very eloquently stated her reasons, and although they were logical and I completely understood her reasoning, I couldn't help but to feel sorry for her.  I thought, who will she share her inner-most thoughts with?  Who will be the vault and keep all of her darkest secrets?  Who will co-sign her binge eating trips to the Mexican restaurant (okay, maybe that's a me thing)?

Now, I AM her.  I am the woman who doesn't desire a best friend.  There is validation and security in a BFF.  There is comfort too.  However, I view best friend life like a chore.  There is a certain level of interaction required for a successful BFF relationship and it's a pace that I can't keep.  This is the crux of the reason why my previous attempts at BFFhood have failed.  Since I know this, I won't enter into another one of those type friendships.  I may be violating some American girl code here but, I'll own it.

The friend cycle has been bizarre and exhausting but, by facing who I am and what I NEED as a person, I think I've finally gotten it right...

Tinder Roni...

Let me tell you about my latest foray into Tinder.  Tinder is an online dating app.  This may be a little confusing as some of you may know that I'm married.  Let me clear up some of that fogginess.  Yes, I'm happily married.  However, I'm bi-sexual.  My husband is aware (has been since day one) and is very supportive.  No, my life isn't a non-stop orgy fest.  You wouldn't believe how many people think that just because you're bi-sexual that you must also be a nymphomaniac. Sigh...  Anyway, I digress.

With everything that has been going on in my life, I've started to realize that I don't want to live in some world where I cannot be truly myself.  I miss (romantic) female companionship and so, I decided to actively seek a "girlfriend".  I was too afraid before.  I didn't want judgement and ridicule but, who isn't judged or ridiculed for something?

Now, as you can imagine there are some impediments that prevent me from having a "normal" experience online.
1. I have to disclose that I am married.
2. I have to explain that my husband and I ARE NOT seeking a polyamorous situation.
3. I have to find someone willing to come third in my life after my husband and son.

Not an easy task by far.  What complicates matters further is that since I work in the city, and live in suburbia, I'm not going to be hitting the nightlife.  I could on the weekends but, honestly, that's not my scene.  I live in the Bible Belt where my lifestyle is considered taboo.  Even though, Atlanta is supposedly the "Gay Mecca", my lifestyle is still considered unconventional by most people's standards.

So...I created a Tinder profile.  I added photos, I selected my age and gender preferences and I'm out there. What's cool about the app is that you only know someone likes you, if you've liked them.  At least you're not embarrassed or left with that "hung out to dry" feeling.  So far, I've met one lady that is in a relationship (one that was very much conventional and not open) and a host of other ladies that for some reason or another didn't pan out for various reasons.

I did meet one lady outside of Tinder.  I knew her from another time in my life.  She and I didn't work out because...well...I think I'm fire and she's ice.  I may have been too much for her! Lol!

I know I'm not alone.  I know there are other women in situations like mine.  I'd love to meet them and learn about how they navigate through this maze.

I'm sure to some of you this seems like juicy gossip. LOL!  This is my real life though.  So, I guess if you share this based on the gossip factor, it's cool...at least it's being shared.  I can probably guess that some of you are thinking "you're married just be content".  It would probably be very convenient to deny that I'm attracted to women and not pursue any type of relationship.  However, it would also be a colossal lie!  #1 rule of self-preservation: DON'T LIE TO YOURSELF!  From what I've observed of life...repression and suppression lead to perversion.

So, I'm on Tinder...just swiping away....

Forgotten Piece of Life...

On Sunday morning (yesterday), I was laying on the sofa splitting my time between walking my son through an ABCMouse activity and scrolling mindlessly through Instagram postings.  The night before, I visited a friend thinking I was going to abandon my worries in their arms (didn't work out that way).  I actually ate, had a drink, slept, snored and came home late.  Not late enough to have done any rebel rousing and not early enough to have rebel rousing to head into.

Or, so I thought.  I ended up watching a movie with the fam and my husband and I made some music well into the wee hours (actual music...not love.  although that would've been good too. LOL).  So, I did kick up some dust.  I'm telling you this part so, you'll understand just how lazy of a morning it was on Sunday.

Back to the meat of this thing...

I saw a post on "Fatmankey's" IG.  It said that he, IloveMakonnen and Father would be performing at 484 Edgewood(never heard of it)...get this...for FIVE DOLLARS! These dudes were literally the soundtrack to our Summer.  SoundCloud is amazing!  That's how we discovered them. I was so excited that I woke my husband up to show him the post.  I suggested that he go since I had been out the night before.  He said we BOTH needed to go and so...we went.

We showed up, paid, walked in and it was literally, a loft converted into an event space. Upon entry you're greeted by a mural of the Spinx.  When you reach the end of the hallway, you enter into the "living room" which is where the bar, and the DJ were set-up.  Upstairs, there was a loft complete with a bed and bathroom.  That was the smoker's suite.  The show was to take place outside in the courtyard behind the "venue".  We stepped into the secret garden and we looked like the oldest people there!  The Atlanta hipsters were out in full force.  Some of them fresh from the A3C festival that was winding down a block away.  They were clad in funky shirts, acid washed jeans, Vans, Doc Martens and all the things that I remember from the early 90's.  They looked unaffected by each other, us, the music and the scene.

The DJ (outside, in the secret garden) was Key himself!  This dude was DJing and performing simultaneously.  He played all the "A-Town" favorite hits and a mix of today's underground seeking mainstream hits.  Reeling from 20 Grand (a cognac vodka mix), I nodded my head and danced to the beat during every song that was played.  I looked around and realized, actually LOOKING like you enjoy the music must be uncool because so many people just nodded their heads again...unaffected.

Key obviously knows his way around a bottle and a blunt because he was stoned enough to be a rockstar.  He had endless energy but, forgot lyrics, reminded us that he can't sing and that he "gave a fuck about a set" and made references to things that were obviously meant for a select few so, leaving a lay person like me a little confused.  He was still dope though.  However, when Father showed up, (Makonnen was there on time), they performed "Look at Wrist" and every one turned into believers - full of energy and full of LIFE!

THAT's why I wanted to write about this experience.  My life and the lives of those I'm closest to, is so regimented.  We followed the path we were told to follow and now, we miss out on $5 concerts in the city because we've got to go to work the next day.  We have the houses, cars and the kids and the jobs.  We're shackled to our debt because of our "wants".  We have student loans for degrees we don't use...sigh.  Not that our lives suck but, they are very much "in the lines".

Yes, I felt like an outsider but, I got to be included in an experience that tasted like LIFE!  Not the radio edited, pre-packaged, perfectly marketed, award winning version of life.  But, the shit faced, raw emotion, cool as hell version of LIFE where new music and wild abandon are BFFs.

Brave...

I used to be an infrequent poster on my blog because I was always grappling with what content to post in the first place.  It was a rare occasion that my thoughts, planning and actions fell into line for a good blog post.  Then, I found out my mother had breast cancer, found out that I have the genetic mutation that causes breast and ovarian cancer, made the decision to have a mastectomy and oophorectomy (ovary removal), I became a PREVIVOR and I had something to write about.

When I had the mastectomy, everything changed.  I suddenly didn't care about sharing recipes or posts about parenting.  I didn't want to empower and inform.  I only wanted to "shelter in place" to endure this whirlwind of emotions that loosing your breasts while watching your mother battle breast cancer whips up.

Some people have called me brave for having a mastectomy as a preventative measure.  Some people have said that I've inspired and encouraged them.  All that makes me feel good.  I really did it because I love life...more specifically my life and I want to be able to enjoy it for as long as possible.  So, I suppose I don't see myself as all that brave because self-preservation was my primary motive.  I just want to be here to experience my amazing family and lovely friends.

My mother is fighting this fucking cancer.  I mean she is grappling with it.  How can I possibly lament loosing my breasts when she is going through this?  I feel guilty.  Now SHE is brave!  It's torturous to know that she is sick.  I love her so much and I just want her to have peace in her mind and healing in her body.  Knowing that she is sick and that there is nothing I can do about it creates a misery within me that I've previously never encountered.  No one loves me like my mama and no one ever will.  My heart quakes even as I write.

Here I am on the heels of another surgery.  This time, I get breast implants, my bulging latissimus muscles get tucked into place (back muscles that were used to reconstruct a breast mound...Google it. It's interesting) and my remaining ovary is going to be removed.  Menopause is knocking on my door begging to come in.  I know it's not that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things.  However, when I envisioned age 32, that shit wasn't on my radar.  So, I'm being brave again.  Enduring the knife again.  When my linens are clinging to my body after enduring a deluge of night sweat and my personal inferno leads me to the freezer to stand and enjoy the cool air, I will try and remember that I am brave.  I sacrificed the very parts that make me a woman so that I could have a full life with those that I love.

But, I'm brave though...

Start.Stop.Continue #30Layers30Days

With everything going on in my life, I have used social media and the internet as a whole as part of my therapy.  The people that live in my computer (and exist in real life) have helped me immensely.  One of my inspirations and fellow lover of all things art is Christa (Inspired by Beatrice Clay).  She introduced me to the All the Many Layers Blog.  GG Renee, the owner of that space, has created an awesome challenge.  It's a Self Discovery Challenge for the month of September.  There are daily writing prompts designed to encourage you to do some self excavating and discovery.  Today is my start...

DAY 1 // START. STOP. CONTINUE.

START:  What do you want to start doing?  What do you want more of in your life?  What feelings, what activities, what energy?   What baby step can you take today?

I want to start creating more art.  I want more time to allow my talents to sustain myself and my family.  I want creative, and inspiring energy to surround me.  A baby step I can take today is just making something...no matter how small.

STOP:  What have you had enough of?  What are you tolerating or feeding into that is not adding value to your life?  What area of your life is begging for more boundaries?

I have had enough of containing ANY feeling I have.  I don't want to spare anyone's feelings anymore.  I am tolerating guilt.  It is adding no value to my existence.  The area of my life that is begging for more boundaries is my heart.  It must ultimately beat for me.  I cannot sacrifice it for anyone, for any reason.

CONTINUE:  What habits or trends do you want to continue?  What's been working for you? What can you do to ensure you keep it going?

I want to continue the trend of putting healthy things into my mouth, my heart, and my mind.  What has been working for me is complete honesty - with myself and those around me.  To ensure I keep this trend going, I need to remind myself of what my life was like before I lived this way.

#30Layers30Days

Grateful for introspection.

Cheers to Growth...

I am writing this from my red chair that sits in a clumsy spot in my living room.  This chair has been my bed since I returned home from the hospital.  Since I cannot lay comfortably (or without pain) in a bed, I'm here and here I shall stay until my two remaining drains are removed.

If I am to emerge from this recovery with my sanity, I must follow the doctor's orders to "take it easy". Therefore, I spend my days busying myself with the business of being busy.  As much as one can be busy whilst "taking it easy".  I haven't had this much time to think since I was a young woman entering college. When you're rushing around the world every day, working, cooking, commuting, and planning - there is no time to quiet your mind and think.  Well, I should say, I never really took the time to quiet my mind and think. I truly believe that's why I've made some poor decisions.

Source: www.iworeyogapants.com

When I lost my breasts, I lost so much of that shell that encased my mind.  I realized that I am accountable for my emotions.  I am responsible for my actions and reactions.  It's up to me, to determine how I behave in the world.  It doesn't matter what life experiences have shaped my existence.  It only matters that I understand that I am only in control of me.

Here is some of what this means to me:

1.  I will love myself even when it's hard to see myself for who I am.  No matter what, I will put my mind and heart first.  If I take complete care of myself, I can be there for others.

2.  I will make an effort to respect everyone and try to put myself in their shoes.

3.  I will hold myself accountable for all of my actions.

4.  I will not allow anyone to hold me emotionally hostage.  I cannot maintain any relationship where candid honesty is not the nucleus of the bond.  Maintaining a stress free relationship requires that there are no secret qualms that one party has and expects the other to figure out.  It's draining and counterproductive.

Hopefully, with these realizations, I'll be more balanced.  I owe this all to my mastectomy.  There have been so many silver linings.  I'm grateful for this journey.

Giving You the Breasts That I've Got...

DISCLAIMER:  This post contains graphic images.  If you have a weak stomach, you may not want to read all the way through.  Additionally, I am sharing these photos and information to empower, educate and encourage anyone out there who is going through this.  If you know someone that needs to read this, please share it with them.

These days, I spend my time watching ridiculous amounts of television.  I work on organizing my craft studio.  I jot down my goals and plans for the future. I read books, listen to entire albums and force myself to face my fears. That's what you do when you're recovering from a double mastectomy I guess.  You busy yourself with the business of not being busy.

Having to deal with my emotions has proven to be the most difficult task that I've tackled thus far.  The physical pain and discomfort has taken a back seat to my emotions.  They run the gambit.  Fear, joy, disappointment, self-pitty, relief...  I know I have emerged from this experience a changed woman.  This experience has been just as impactful as having a child or getting married.  It has forced me to see myself in a different way.  I've had to redefine what womanhood, sex, identity and self esteem are to me.

One of the many perks of having this surgery has been talking to mom during the day.  I never thought when I was a teenager that my life wouldn't feel balanced if I didn't talk to my mother all the time.  She is currently fighting breast cancer and she NEVER complains.  She meets her challenge head-on with the ferocious intensity of an NFL player.  So, then, how I could I possibly complain?  The answer is, I cannot.  So, I won't.

I have had to dig deeper and love myself MORE to compensate for the challenges you go through when you are learning your new body.  The first time I saw what my breasts looked like, I broke down (and a couple more times after that).  It has been a constant battle grappling with this image everyday.  Then, I think of what cancer patients have to go through and I consider myself lucky.

When I have the second surgery, they won't look like this.  They're be beautiful and perky.  However, this is stage one.  There are tissue expanders in each breast that they will gradually fill-up until I'm my desired cup size.  It's a long process but, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

These tubes are called JP Drains.  They drain all the excess fluids from my surgery sites.  See how they're stitched into my skin?  That's very painful.  Initially, I had 8 drains, now I'm down to two.  The fluid has to be less than 30ccs before they'll remove a drain.  And when they do...let's just say it's not the most pleasant thing.  They tell you to breathe in and out and the second round, they yank it out.  Sigh...

This is where the plastic surgeon used my latissimus muscle, tissue and skin from my back to reconstruct my breasts.  As you can imagine, I sleep in a chair because I can't lay on my back, front, or sides.  

So, as you can see, this process isn't pretty.  It isn't glamorous but, I am fighting BREAST CANCER!  I am #Previvor and I couldn't be more proud of that.

I hope that you share my journey with your sister friends.  It only takes mere moments to check your breasts LIKE THIS.  It only takes one blood test to know if you have these genetic mutations.  Google BRCA tests. No worries, here is a great link, click on it and learn, learn, learn!

Dear Sweetest Thing...

It's 4:16am.  I'm sitting in our dark living room bathed in the light of our flat screen that sits perched atop our mantle.  My body is sore and aching recovering from having some drains removed from both breasts and the two incisions on my back.  I'm feeling emotional and I'm reflecting as a result of a film, Rob the Mob. The movie is centered around a modern day "Bonnie and Clyde" that rob a few Mafia Social clubs.  Their love for each other was so raw.  Even through their life circumstances, their love was the beacon that shined through.  It reminds me of the raw, unconditional love my husband and I share.

This double mastectomy has changed my life and the lives of those around me in ways, I'm sure, we've yet to discover.  Throughout this entire process, there has not been one minute during which I have not being enveloped in love and support.  My constant companion and supporter has been my husband, Terence.  Even as I'm composing this, he is asleep, (rather uncomfortably) on the couch next to me.  He won't leave my side.  Love like that is...beautiful.

He comforts me, he encourages me, he sees beauty where I see flaws.  He lifts me up.  I could list his many, many positive attributes.  I could wax poetic about our bond and our unwavering commitment to each other.  However, instead, right now...I'd like to just use this space to revel in the glow of his love while I bathe in the light of the television in our dark living room.

Grateful for him.

The Power of my Sister Circle...

This past weekend, I had my "TaTa Titties" party.  My girlfriends made the whole thing possible.  It was my idea to have the party but, I realized that my sheckles (money, cash, moola) were low and so, I wanted to cancel it.  Not only did my girlfriends pay for the venue but, they paid for the food, beverages, dishes and cutlery.  I handled the decorations because I have a love affair with crafting.  SN:  Get a load of my tin cans that I painted gold and covered with lace.  They served as vases for my tissue paper roses.

The main reason I wanted to have this party was to raise awareness for the BRCA1 and BRCA2: Cancer Risk and Genetic Testing.  I'm grateful for the testing because that's how I found out that I have the BRCA1 genetic mutation; which is why I'm having the prophylactic double mastectomy.  I also wanted to give my breasts the proper send-off!  However, the party turned into a celebration of sister hood.  My sister circle is strong y'all!

You know RW Designs had to create photo signs!  This a photo of my best friend, NeShanta and I.  She did all the food and even ordered some special items for me to wear on surgery day!

This is Tiffany!  She made me the cutest button earrings that say "TaTa Titties" and "Bye Bye Boobies".

This is Carole.  She owns a resale shop called Yezterdayz.  She made me three containers of amazing shea butter.

Carole and Ashanti are both part of Thirsty 4 Vintage.  I was so grateful that they came out!

My girl Tiffany again!

My girlfriend Janelle of Never Dessert You made me the most beautiful and, the most delicious titty cupcakes and Mastectomy cake pops.  They were a hit and really made the theme of the party come to life!

There were Titty Games and all sorts of FUNNERS!  There was the "Stuff Your Bra" game, the "Titty Word Scramble" and the "Make a Bra Out of Tissue" game.  There were gag gifts for all the winners of course!  

It was so uplifting and inspiring you guys.  Each woman present spoke about me in such a beautiful and compassionate way.  I was humbled and floored by the out pouring of love and support!

I know this was a long post y'all but, I'm so grateful that I was able to have this party.

Oh!  And since it was an all ladies affair, the men in my life, made a video for me!  Check it out!

http://youtu.be/S8zeeMvj7Ms

Finally, pin the hell out this party and share it with your friends!

I Accept It All...

When I decided that I would share my mastectomy journey with the world, I don't know what my expectations were.  I'm not certain that I had any expectations.  I just knew that I wanted to share my story in hopes that I would soothe and ease someone's mind.  I wanted mostly to educate, inform and empower women with my story.  I wanted my African American sisters to know how this cancer is more aggressive when it comes to us.  I wanted to be the example, the mouth piece, the very, very vocal spokesperson.

I was so grateful when all the well wishes and prayers started rolling in.  I'm the kind of person that really enjoys helping.  However, I have a really difficult time accepting kindness.  I know that I am worthy of the love and support that I am receiving.  It's just not the easiest thing - letting people do so much for me.

I know most if not all of my supporters are devout Christians.  They tell me that they're praying for me.  That they're standing in the gap for me.  That they're taking me and my family to the alter with them during their worship services.  I cannot express how much I appreciate these prayers.  I consider myself an atheist.  I don't believe in God.  If there is a God, I don't think I believe in the "traditional" sense of what God is.  So, I completely understand when I get those... "I know you're not a believer but...", "You don't have to pray, I'll pray for you...".  It used to really aggravate me until I realized, that they're sharing their faith in order to show me kindness.  I know that folks are expressing their love...in their way.  I WILLINGLY ACCEPT and RESPECT IT ALL!

It may be hard for some to understand how I could live my life with "no faith".  The reality is that I DO have faith.  I have faith in my beautiful family and marvelous friends.  I have faith in mother Earth and the infinite expanse of the universe.  I have faith in mankind.  I know everyone won't agree or like what I feel but, I just wanted to share a little about my mindset and what is getting me through this tough time.

I freely accept all positive energy in the form of prayers, meditations, mentions, shout outs, sisterly talks, brotherly talks, hugs, kisses, art work, songs or WHATEVER!

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

I'm Rochelle and RoseRedd.  E-mail me at: rosereddsaid@gmail.com

The Date is SET! Bye Bye Boobies.

Yesterday, I found out that my Prophylactic Bi-Lateral Mastectomy (I never tire of typing that, it really is a testament to the dexterity of my fingers) is going to be on MAY 30th.  That means I have 27 days left with my original breasts.  I was so drained yesterday.  I felt relieved, scared, nervous, anxious, angry, sad, happy, pessimistic and optimistic all at the same damn time.  I was intent upon not having "Birthday Surgery".  I didn't want to celebrate my 32nd birthday (June 14th) with a mastectomy for goodness sake!  Then, I remembered, I'm having this done so that I can have many more birthdays!  HELL YEAH to more birthdays!

I had to include this cartoon.  People think what I'm doing is extreme but, when you look at it like this...it's so easy to understand.  As if not wanting breast cancer or ovarian cancer wasn't enough.

So, now, of course, I'm busying myself with lists and chores so that I can be prepared to be incapacitated for a few weeks.  I have an awesome support system and I don't know if I could go through this without them. My husband is beyond amazing.  Had he not brought this test to my attention, I wouldn't even know my status! My most FUN activity that I'm planning is my TA TA TITTIES/BYE BYE BOOBIES party! I don't know why this party has become so important to me.  I guess I just want to give my breasts a proper send off.

Anyway, I hope that you share my journey with your sister friends.  It only takes mere moments to check your breasts LIKE THIS.  It only takes one blood test to know if you have these genetic mutations.  Google BRCA tests. No worries, here is a great link, click on it and learn, learn, learn!

Remember Who You Are...

When you become discouraged, it's hard to see your value.  I don't know many women that are not striving towards some sort of goal.  You want to be a better blogger, you want to sell your crafts, you want to gain more clients, you want to be a better home manager...  Everyone is on the come up.  It is so very easy to loose sight of your goals in the forest of doubts and fears.  We've all journeyed through that forest.  The tree limbs are thick, the air is foul and no sunlight pours through the canopy to warm you.  What you have to remember during your voyage through that space is that you are worthy.

You are worthy of whatever your dreams are.  Never lose sight of your self.  It takes so much energy to be sullen, doubtful and discouraged.  You have the power to decide that you're going to use that energy for growth, positivity and self improvement!  When has it ever been easy to achieve a dream?  Your experiences are your battle scars.  You're fighting for your life, for your dreams, for your success!  Just like the scar you got from falling off of your bicycle when you were learning to ride, these tough times are part of the process.

What is important and what you must do is lean on your sister circle when you need encouragement.  You are NEVER alone!  It is imperative that we learn to support and uplift each other on a regular basis.  We all need help from time to time.  My sister circle has grown to include women that I've never even met in person!  I find comfort in sharing with them.  I learn from them, I draw strength from them.  Form your circle and become comfortable taking what you need from it and reciprocating as well.

If there is one thing the world needs less of is miserable women.  We are the mothers of the Earth!  We give birth to the children.  We arouse desires.  We nurture and soothe.  We are the catalysts for so much positivity and progression!  Remember that!  Take that with you!

Encourage your sister/friend that is down.  Remind her of who she is and what she is capable of.  Life is going to happen...but, what are you gonna do about it?

My Boob Journey Continues....

I just learned that there is a name for us women that go through these prophylactic bi-lateral mastectomies due to the BRCA1 or 2 gene mutations.  "Previvor".  At first, I felt bad considering myself a "previvor" because I don't want to diminish in any way the struggles of those brave souls (including my mother) fighting breast cancer directly.  Now that I've thought about it, I like it.  If it does nothing else, it helps to bring awareness and I'm all for that!  So, I'm a PREVIVOR y'all!

Last week on Thursday,  I went to the Breast Care Specialists to discuss my prophylactic bi-lateral mastectomy.    If you're a new reader, you can learn about me testing positive for the BRCA1 genetic mutation here.  I had it all planned out in my mind.  I would have my remaining ovary removed in November '14 and my breast tissue removal and reconstruction done in December '14/January '15.  The good doctor advised me that they would do all three surgeries at once.  So, I would have the bi-lateral mastectomy, breast reconstruction and oophorectomy completed at the same time.  You can imagine how difficult it is to coordinate three surgeon's schedules so, when they're all free to do the procedures, that's when I'll be having the surgeries done.  So, bye-bye plan! Isn't that how life goes anyway?

Since I'll be going through menopause soon, I've decided to design a series of fans for my upcoming hot flashes! LOL!  Stay tuned for those photos.  I'm just trying to find the beauty in all the pain y'all.  Look at how Madame Lazonga transformed this lady's mastectomy scars into a thing of beauty.

I want to share with you something that is very important.  African American women are disproportionately affected by breast cancer.  Often times, we present with more advance stages of breast cancer.  This could be due to a multitude of factors but, one major factor is that we don't go for our annual mammograms and we don't do self-examinations.  For those of us with familial history of, we are largely ignorant of who should have the BRCA test done.

Here is a list of reasons why you should speak to your OBGYN or Internal Medicine doctor about the BRCA test:

• A personal history of breast cancer at age 50 or younger
• A personal history of triple negative breast cancer (breast cancer that is estrogen receptor-negative, progesterone receptor-negative and HER2/neu receptor-negative) 
• A personal or family history of male breast cancer
• A personal or family history of bilateral breast cancer (cancer in both breasts)
• A personal history of ovarian cancer
• A parent, sibling, child, grandparent, grandchild, uncle, aunt, nephew, niece or first cousin diagnosed with breast cancer at age 45 or younger
• A mother, sister, daughter, grandmother, granddaughter, aunt, niece or first cousin diagnosed with ovarian cancer
• A family history of both breast and ovarian cancers on the same side of the family (either mother's or father's side of the family)
• Ashkenazi Jewish heritage and a family history of breast or ovarian cancer

Show Your TRUE Colors...

Today I feel yellow.  Yes, I feel in color.  What?  You don't.  Oh, see, the way my spirit is set up... (Kevin Hart reference).  I feel vibrant, sunny, full of energy, warm and bright.  So, I feel YELLOW.

Recently, I wished one of my sorority sisters (I used to be her advisor...yikes)/Facebook Friends a happy birthday.  She replied and said "I'm just loving how you've come into your own btw. Gives me something to look fwd to as I grow older."  I graciously replied to her but, my initial reaction wasn't one of appreciation.  I thought to myself, what was I before I came into my own?  What did she mean?  Then, I realized, I felt embarrassed because I wasn't being authentic and true to myself before.  That's why she could say that I've come into my own...because I have.  It's not about superficial things like my hair and my clothes, which have dramatically evolved since I met this young lady; it's about my willingness to be all the way me.

Anytime you try to be honest with yourself and the world, it comes at a cost.  People may think you're weird or off.  People may judge and make assumptions but, if you're comfortable with you...it rolls off your back and you move along. And you know what else?  You're FREE.

I'm grateful to that young lady for recognizing my growth and my true colors.  She paid me the best compliment!

What about you?  Are you being true to yourself?

WHY Didn't Someone Tell Me?

We all know that life is about trial and error.  Even when friends and family try to warn us about certain life situations we don't always listen.  Why do we do that?  Anyway, there are a few things that I wish SOMEONE would have told me before I really got out into the adult world.  Now that I'm a ripe old 31 (for two more months), and have had many interesting life discoveries, I can say that I really wish I didn't have to learn some of these things on my own!  It's a crazy list of body functions and self esteem items but, I think it's a good list.

1.  Your coo-coo can fart.  Yes, I said it.  I know it's uncouth and not at all lady like but, hey, this is one of those things I wish someone would have told me!  The first time it happened to me, I was beyond embarrassed!

2.  If YOU can smell you, so can OTHERS!  I wish I could say that I've never been smelly but, the reality is that I have.  If there is a feminine odor or a pit odor that is making its way up to your nose, please believe it's making its way to the noses of your nearest neighbors.
2B. Don't Douche!  Douching actually increases some of the bad bacteria in your vagina.  Your vagina really is like a cat in that it cleanses itself (still wash it, I'm just saying don't use douche).

3.  Beauty really is in the eye of the beholder.  Everyone has different standards of beauty.  You'll mess your entire mind up trying to become what the "perceived" standard of beauty is.  The man or woman for you, will fawn over how you make their heart go pitter-patter for all those random reasons like the scar under your eye or the freckles on your nose.

4.  No one cares about your accolades.  They only care about the kind of person you are.  You could have been the valedictorian of your high school class, graduated Magna Cum Laude from an ivy league college, posses innumerable cars and homes and no one would genuinely like you if you're an ass hole.

5. They make Nair for your face.  Listen, I have a bit of a beard and I don't want to shave.  So depilatories like Nair and Sally Hansen make life easy.  No need to have a mustache or beard...if you don't want to!

6.  Knowing what you want or at least the pursuit of finding out what you want out of life make the journey smoother.  College, your job, your mama, your friends - none of them can tell you what you want/need from YOUR LIFE!  You have to figure out how to be fulfilled.  You have to find your passion and seek it with all the vigor and tenacity in the world.  You only get one life.  Don't let someone else figure your life out for you!

Ta Ta Tittites!

As I mentioned in this post, my mother has breast cancer.  My grandmother also had breast cancer and my great-grandmother had ovarian cancer.  Because of that, I had the BRCA test done.  The BRCA test (pronounced "Brack-a") is a cancer risk and genetic test that will let you know if you have the BRCA1 or BRCA 2 genetic mutations.  The most famous person to have this test is Angelina Jolie. She had a double mastectomy as a result of having the BRCA1 gene mutation.

I did not anticipate having either one of the gene mutations.  I don't know why.  I suppose I am still suffering from that invincible mentality you have in your 20's.  Once needle prick, one scary phone call, and one 2 hour consultation later, I found out that I do have the BRCA1 gene mutation.  After consulting with my medical team and my husband, I decided to have my remaining ovary removed (I had the other one removed due to complications with PCOS) as well as have a double mastectomy.  I should note that I ELECTED to have these surgeries as they dramatically lessen my chances of developing ovarian and breast cancers.  However, there were several other treatment options available to me.

I have been beside myself with upset since I learned of my mother's breast cancer diagnosis.  Finding out that I have the BRCA1 gene mutation and finding out that, that means that I am over 78% more inclined to have breast cancer and over 60% more inclined to have ovarian cancer shook me so violently on the inside.  I started to fall into depression.  I felt hopeless and cursed.

Then, I had to remember that I am not a victim!  There are so many women that are literally fighting cancer right now!  I have been given the gift of prevention!  I am empowered because I have knowledge.  I am fortunate because I have healthcare and a treatment plan.  I am lucky to have a supportive husband and family and friends that love me.

So, now, I get to go through menopause at 32.   Which sucks but, you can't develop ovarian cancer with no ovaries.   Also, my fibroids will shrivel and die...WHOOP!  I get to pick out new boobs.  They'll be perky and sit-up even when I lay on my back!  There are so many silver linings that I can't possibly focus on the clouds.

Please check your breasts.  If you have a family history of breast cancer, please inquire about the BRCA test.  There are so many options for you.  Ignorance is NOT bliss...it's a killer.

Whore is in the Eye of the Beholder...

I am an advocate of women owning their sexuality.  Of course, not everyone feels the same.  Since people could call each other names, we've assigned labels to each other.  Those labels are used to control and manipulate people into doing or believing what others want them to.  Once such label is WHORE.  Here in America, where there is this enormous culture of shaming and hypocrisy, we help perpetuate this "Whore" shame cycle.

When a woman chooses to be intimate with multiple partners, she is considered a whore or promiscuous and the implications of being labeled as such, can tarnish her emotionally and socially.  If a man is intimate with multiple partners, he is lauded as a stud, a chick magnet, a Casanova.  We want women to be sexy but, not too sexy.  We want them to be flirtatious but, not too flirty.  It's lunacy really.  Why can't women enjoy sex and pleasure just as much as a man?  It's an outdated method of suppression and control that hearkens back to a time where women were simply viewed as property (unfortunately, in many parts of the world, this is still the case).

Knowing what you want and then going after it is not a shameful thing!  There is nothing shameful about your body and the fact that you want to pleasure it.  There is nothing dirty about enjoying sex with partners of your choosing.  Before I married my husband I slept with several different partners.  I don't feel bad about that.  If I had it to do over again, I do it the exact same way.

As long as you're being safe and monitoring your health, I say GO FOR IT!  Live your truth, and own your sexuality.  You're not a WHORE!  You're a WOMAN and that means you're a powerful, sexy beast!

#IFuckWhoWant #EndSexShaming #MyVaginaMyRules #NotYourWhore #WhoreWho #IAmWhatISAYIAm