The Last Period...

One day, when I was nine years old, I got off the bus, headed into the house and, dropped my backpack at the door.  Since I hated the school restrooms and would often times go a whole day without peeing, I made a beeline for our comfy "powder room" (I love calling it that).  This was my normal routine.  However, on that particular day, I noticed that I was bleeding when I wiped.  Now, I suppose some other nine year old would have freaked.  Not me!  I immediately knew that I had started my cycle and that I was well on my way to becoming a young woman.  I was actually proud and excited!  Since I was a latch key kid, I had to call my mom to tell her.  She freaked out so badly that she lost her keys in the Eckerd's Drug Store.  That was my welcome into womanhood.  Period in the Powder Room and a delayed mother (insert Lifetime movie music).

Fast forward 23 years, I am having my last period.  Even though we loathe and detest the PMS, cramps, pimples, food cravings and all around inconvenience that accompanies Aunt Flo, it is a big part of what has made me a woman.  It's been there - good or bad for over two decades.  Now, because I have the BRCA1 genetic mutation that causes breast and ovarian cancer, I'm having an oophorectomy AND a healthy dose of menopause.  Last year, I had an oophorectomy to ease the symptoms of PCOS.  And now this year...no more ovaries at all.  Not that I ever really thought about gracefully aging but, I suppose I always imagined still having all my parts...now and forever.

I suppose I'm mourning my ovaries (and my breasts) because I won't be able to have any more children.  Not, naturally anyway.  I didn't even want anymore children.  But, now, I kinda do.  Insert cliche  --> "You never know what you've had until it's gone".  Well, I'm ambivalent about the kid thing.  But, I DO know that I don't want to remove my fucking ovary!  Damn!  My breasts are already gone!  How much more of myself do I have to lop off in order to be healthy!  FUUUUUUCK!  What if I sweat profusely?  I already have to wear deodorant without any antiperspirant!  What if my coo-coo no longer gets wet?

Deep breath...

As I reflect over the past twenty three years, I think about my period and how it has been a right of passage, an indicator that I wasn't pregnant, an indicator that I was pregnant, an embarrassment, a hindrance, a comfort, a betrayer and now...an old reliable friend that I must say goodbye to. 

Next week, I will be a 32 year old menopausal woman.  I remember when I was just a nine year old girl wanting so desperately to be older.  Now, I'm older, wanting so desperately to stay young.

Life is funny that way...

On Friendship...

Everyone has been hurt by a friend.  I don't care who you talk to.  A friend betrayed them, disappointed them, mislead them, scarred them, etc.  Those experiences shape how we view relationships.  When it comes to women, the sting of those unpleasant experiences seem to be more significant and long lasting.  Truthfully, I think a lot of us are really good at holding eternal grudges (which is a flaw in our culture but, that's another topic of discussion).  Others, keep trying their hand at friendship and succeed at having healthy, well balanced friendships with other women.  Now me...well...

When I was a young girl, it seemed as though I was either the odd girl out, or the place holder friend. What's a placeholder?  Oh, it's the friend that you hang out with because the friends you really want to be around aren't available.  Like I said, it seemed that way.  Looking back on it, I suppose I just felt out of place.  I struggled with who I was versus who I wanted to be. You know, regular self-doubt rights of passage.  This carried on into my high school years.  The majority of my friendships would end in some melodramatic blaze of non-glory or another.

I met my closest friends in undergrad while searching for myself through sorority life (yet another discussion for later).  They are the women that would be in my wedding and the women that would be my son's "play Aunties"(you know you've got to have those).  We are solid to this day. We're solid because we genuinely understand each other and we allow each other to be who we are.  We respect each other's space.  We aren't easily offended by one another.  We're candid with one another without fear of penalty.  We're...solid.

Tragically, I've burned through two "best friends" in adulthood.  One time, about 8 years ago, a friend of mine told me that she doesn't have best friends.  I remember being shocked at this admission!  She very eloquently stated her reasons, and although they were logical and I completely understood her reasoning, I couldn't help but to feel sorry for her.  I thought, who will she share her inner-most thoughts with?  Who will be the vault and keep all of her darkest secrets?  Who will co-sign her binge eating trips to the Mexican restaurant (okay, maybe that's a me thing)?

Now, I AM her.  I am the woman who doesn't desire a best friend.  There is validation and security in a BFF.  There is comfort too.  However, I view best friend life like a chore.  There is a certain level of interaction required for a successful BFF relationship and it's a pace that I can't keep.  This is the crux of the reason why my previous attempts at BFFhood have failed.  Since I know this, I won't enter into another one of those type friendships.  I may be violating some American girl code here but, I'll own it.

The friend cycle has been bizarre and exhausting but, by facing who I am and what I NEED as a person, I think I've finally gotten it right...

Tinder Roni...

Let me tell you about my latest foray into Tinder.  Tinder is an online dating app.  This may be a little confusing as some of you may know that I'm married.  Let me clear up some of that fogginess.  Yes, I'm happily married.  However, I'm bi-sexual.  My husband is aware (has been since day one) and is very supportive.  No, my life isn't a non-stop orgy fest.  You wouldn't believe how many people think that just because you're bi-sexual that you must also be a nymphomaniac. Sigh...  Anyway, I digress.

With everything that has been going on in my life, I've started to realize that I don't want to live in some world where I cannot be truly myself.  I miss (romantic) female companionship and so, I decided to actively seek a "girlfriend".  I was too afraid before.  I didn't want judgement and ridicule but, who isn't judged or ridiculed for something?

Now, as you can imagine there are some impediments that prevent me from having a "normal" experience online.
1. I have to disclose that I am married.
2. I have to explain that my husband and I ARE NOT seeking a polyamorous situation.
3. I have to find someone willing to come third in my life after my husband and son.

Not an easy task by far.  What complicates matters further is that since I work in the city, and live in suburbia, I'm not going to be hitting the nightlife.  I could on the weekends but, honestly, that's not my scene.  I live in the Bible Belt where my lifestyle is considered taboo.  Even though, Atlanta is supposedly the "Gay Mecca", my lifestyle is still considered unconventional by most people's standards.

So...I created a Tinder profile.  I added photos, I selected my age and gender preferences and I'm out there. What's cool about the app is that you only know someone likes you, if you've liked them.  At least you're not embarrassed or left with that "hung out to dry" feeling.  So far, I've met one lady that is in a relationship (one that was very much conventional and not open) and a host of other ladies that for some reason or another didn't pan out for various reasons.

I did meet one lady outside of Tinder.  I knew her from another time in my life.  She and I didn't work out because...well...I think I'm fire and she's ice.  I may have been too much for her! Lol!

I know I'm not alone.  I know there are other women in situations like mine.  I'd love to meet them and learn about how they navigate through this maze.

I'm sure to some of you this seems like juicy gossip. LOL!  This is my real life though.  So, I guess if you share this based on the gossip factor, it's cool...at least it's being shared.  I can probably guess that some of you are thinking "you're married just be content".  It would probably be very convenient to deny that I'm attracted to women and not pursue any type of relationship.  However, it would also be a colossal lie!  #1 rule of self-preservation: DON'T LIE TO YOURSELF!  From what I've observed of life...repression and suppression lead to perversion.

So, I'm on Tinder...just swiping away....

Forgotten Piece of Life...

On Sunday morning (yesterday), I was laying on the sofa splitting my time between walking my son through an ABCMouse activity and scrolling mindlessly through Instagram postings.  The night before, I visited a friend thinking I was going to abandon my worries in their arms (didn't work out that way).  I actually ate, had a drink, slept, snored and came home late.  Not late enough to have done any rebel rousing and not early enough to have rebel rousing to head into.

Or, so I thought.  I ended up watching a movie with the fam and my husband and I made some music well into the wee hours (actual music...not love.  although that would've been good too. LOL).  So, I did kick up some dust.  I'm telling you this part so, you'll understand just how lazy of a morning it was on Sunday.

Back to the meat of this thing...

I saw a post on "Fatmankey's" IG.  It said that he, IloveMakonnen and Father would be performing at 484 Edgewood(never heard of it)...get this...for FIVE DOLLARS! These dudes were literally the soundtrack to our Summer.  SoundCloud is amazing!  That's how we discovered them. I was so excited that I woke my husband up to show him the post.  I suggested that he go since I had been out the night before.  He said we BOTH needed to go and so...we went.

We showed up, paid, walked in and it was literally, a loft converted into an event space. Upon entry you're greeted by a mural of the Spinx.  When you reach the end of the hallway, you enter into the "living room" which is where the bar, and the DJ were set-up.  Upstairs, there was a loft complete with a bed and bathroom.  That was the smoker's suite.  The show was to take place outside in the courtyard behind the "venue".  We stepped into the secret garden and we looked like the oldest people there!  The Atlanta hipsters were out in full force.  Some of them fresh from the A3C festival that was winding down a block away.  They were clad in funky shirts, acid washed jeans, Vans, Doc Martens and all the things that I remember from the early 90's.  They looked unaffected by each other, us, the music and the scene.

The DJ (outside, in the secret garden) was Key himself!  This dude was DJing and performing simultaneously.  He played all the "A-Town" favorite hits and a mix of today's underground seeking mainstream hits.  Reeling from 20 Grand (a cognac vodka mix), I nodded my head and danced to the beat during every song that was played.  I looked around and realized, actually LOOKING like you enjoy the music must be uncool because so many people just nodded their heads again...unaffected.

Key obviously knows his way around a bottle and a blunt because he was stoned enough to be a rockstar.  He had endless energy but, forgot lyrics, reminded us that he can't sing and that he "gave a fuck about a set" and made references to things that were obviously meant for a select few so, leaving a lay person like me a little confused.  He was still dope though.  However, when Father showed up, (Makonnen was there on time), they performed "Look at Wrist" and every one turned into believers - full of energy and full of LIFE!

THAT's why I wanted to write about this experience.  My life and the lives of those I'm closest to, is so regimented.  We followed the path we were told to follow and now, we miss out on $5 concerts in the city because we've got to go to work the next day.  We have the houses, cars and the kids and the jobs.  We're shackled to our debt because of our "wants".  We have student loans for degrees we don't use...sigh.  Not that our lives suck but, they are very much "in the lines".

Yes, I felt like an outsider but, I got to be included in an experience that tasted like LIFE!  Not the radio edited, pre-packaged, perfectly marketed, award winning version of life.  But, the shit faced, raw emotion, cool as hell version of LIFE where new music and wild abandon are BFFs.

Brave...

I used to be an infrequent poster on my blog because I was always grappling with what content to post in the first place.  It was a rare occasion that my thoughts, planning and actions fell into line for a good blog post.  Then, I found out my mother had breast cancer, found out that I have the genetic mutation that causes breast and ovarian cancer, made the decision to have a mastectomy and oophorectomy (ovary removal), I became a PREVIVOR and I had something to write about.

When I had the mastectomy, everything changed.  I suddenly didn't care about sharing recipes or posts about parenting.  I didn't want to empower and inform.  I only wanted to "shelter in place" to endure this whirlwind of emotions that loosing your breasts while watching your mother battle breast cancer whips up.

Some people have called me brave for having a mastectomy as a preventative measure.  Some people have said that I've inspired and encouraged them.  All that makes me feel good.  I really did it because I love life...more specifically my life and I want to be able to enjoy it for as long as possible.  So, I suppose I don't see myself as all that brave because self-preservation was my primary motive.  I just want to be here to experience my amazing family and lovely friends.

My mother is fighting this fucking cancer.  I mean she is grappling with it.  How can I possibly lament loosing my breasts when she is going through this?  I feel guilty.  Now SHE is brave!  It's torturous to know that she is sick.  I love her so much and I just want her to have peace in her mind and healing in her body.  Knowing that she is sick and that there is nothing I can do about it creates a misery within me that I've previously never encountered.  No one loves me like my mama and no one ever will.  My heart quakes even as I write.

Here I am on the heels of another surgery.  This time, I get breast implants, my bulging latissimus muscles get tucked into place (back muscles that were used to reconstruct a breast mound...Google it. It's interesting) and my remaining ovary is going to be removed.  Menopause is knocking on my door begging to come in.  I know it's not that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things.  However, when I envisioned age 32, that shit wasn't on my radar.  So, I'm being brave again.  Enduring the knife again.  When my linens are clinging to my body after enduring a deluge of night sweat and my personal inferno leads me to the freezer to stand and enjoy the cool air, I will try and remember that I am brave.  I sacrificed the very parts that make me a woman so that I could have a full life with those that I love.

But, I'm brave though...

Start.Stop.Continue #30Layers30Days

With everything going on in my life, I have used social media and the internet as a whole as part of my therapy.  The people that live in my computer (and exist in real life) have helped me immensely.  One of my inspirations and fellow lover of all things art is Christa (Inspired by Beatrice Clay).  She introduced me to the All the Many Layers Blog.  GG Renee, the owner of that space, has created an awesome challenge.  It's a Self Discovery Challenge for the month of September.  There are daily writing prompts designed to encourage you to do some self excavating and discovery.  Today is my start...

DAY 1 // START. STOP. CONTINUE.

START:  What do you want to start doing?  What do you want more of in your life?  What feelings, what activities, what energy?   What baby step can you take today?

I want to start creating more art.  I want more time to allow my talents to sustain myself and my family.  I want creative, and inspiring energy to surround me.  A baby step I can take today is just making something...no matter how small.

STOP:  What have you had enough of?  What are you tolerating or feeding into that is not adding value to your life?  What area of your life is begging for more boundaries?

I have had enough of containing ANY feeling I have.  I don't want to spare anyone's feelings anymore.  I am tolerating guilt.  It is adding no value to my existence.  The area of my life that is begging for more boundaries is my heart.  It must ultimately beat for me.  I cannot sacrifice it for anyone, for any reason.

CONTINUE:  What habits or trends do you want to continue?  What's been working for you? What can you do to ensure you keep it going?

I want to continue the trend of putting healthy things into my mouth, my heart, and my mind.  What has been working for me is complete honesty - with myself and those around me.  To ensure I keep this trend going, I need to remind myself of what my life was like before I lived this way.

#30Layers30Days

Grateful for introspection.

Cheers to Growth...

I am writing this from my red chair that sits in a clumsy spot in my living room.  This chair has been my bed since I returned home from the hospital.  Since I cannot lay comfortably (or without pain) in a bed, I'm here and here I shall stay until my two remaining drains are removed.

If I am to emerge from this recovery with my sanity, I must follow the doctor's orders to "take it easy". Therefore, I spend my days busying myself with the business of being busy.  As much as one can be busy whilst "taking it easy".  I haven't had this much time to think since I was a young woman entering college. When you're rushing around the world every day, working, cooking, commuting, and planning - there is no time to quiet your mind and think.  Well, I should say, I never really took the time to quiet my mind and think. I truly believe that's why I've made some poor decisions.

Source: www.iworeyogapants.com

When I lost my breasts, I lost so much of that shell that encased my mind.  I realized that I am accountable for my emotions.  I am responsible for my actions and reactions.  It's up to me, to determine how I behave in the world.  It doesn't matter what life experiences have shaped my existence.  It only matters that I understand that I am only in control of me.

Here is some of what this means to me:

1.  I will love myself even when it's hard to see myself for who I am.  No matter what, I will put my mind and heart first.  If I take complete care of myself, I can be there for others.

2.  I will make an effort to respect everyone and try to put myself in their shoes.

3.  I will hold myself accountable for all of my actions.

4.  I will not allow anyone to hold me emotionally hostage.  I cannot maintain any relationship where candid honesty is not the nucleus of the bond.  Maintaining a stress free relationship requires that there are no secret qualms that one party has and expects the other to figure out.  It's draining and counterproductive.

Hopefully, with these realizations, I'll be more balanced.  I owe this all to my mastectomy.  There have been so many silver linings.  I'm grateful for this journey.