Remember Who You Are...

When you become discouraged, it's hard to see your value.  I don't know many women that are not striving towards some sort of goal.  You want to be a better blogger, you want to sell your crafts, you want to gain more clients, you want to be a better home manager...  Everyone is on the come up.  It is so very easy to loose sight of your goals in the forest of doubts and fears.  We've all journeyed through that forest.  The tree limbs are thick, the air is foul and no sunlight pours through the canopy to warm you.  What you have to remember during your voyage through that space is that you are worthy.

You are worthy of whatever your dreams are.  Never lose sight of your self.  It takes so much energy to be sullen, doubtful and discouraged.  You have the power to decide that you're going to use that energy for growth, positivity and self improvement!  When has it ever been easy to achieve a dream?  Your experiences are your battle scars.  You're fighting for your life, for your dreams, for your success!  Just like the scar you got from falling off of your bicycle when you were learning to ride, these tough times are part of the process.

What is important and what you must do is lean on your sister circle when you need encouragement.  You are NEVER alone!  It is imperative that we learn to support and uplift each other on a regular basis.  We all need help from time to time.  My sister circle has grown to include women that I've never even met in person!  I find comfort in sharing with them.  I learn from them, I draw strength from them.  Form your circle and become comfortable taking what you need from it and reciprocating as well.

If there is one thing the world needs less of is miserable women.  We are the mothers of the Earth!  We give birth to the children.  We arouse desires.  We nurture and soothe.  We are the catalysts for so much positivity and progression!  Remember that!  Take that with you!

Encourage your sister/friend that is down.  Remind her of who she is and what she is capable of.  Life is going to happen...but, what are you gonna do about it?

My Boob Journey Continues....

I just learned that there is a name for us women that go through these prophylactic bi-lateral mastectomies due to the BRCA1 or 2 gene mutations.  "Previvor".  At first, I felt bad considering myself a "previvor" because I don't want to diminish in any way the struggles of those brave souls (including my mother) fighting breast cancer directly.  Now that I've thought about it, I like it.  If it does nothing else, it helps to bring awareness and I'm all for that!  So, I'm a PREVIVOR y'all!

Last week on Thursday,  I went to the Breast Care Specialists to discuss my prophylactic bi-lateral mastectomy.    If you're a new reader, you can learn about me testing positive for the BRCA1 genetic mutation here.  I had it all planned out in my mind.  I would have my remaining ovary removed in November '14 and my breast tissue removal and reconstruction done in December '14/January '15.  The good doctor advised me that they would do all three surgeries at once.  So, I would have the bi-lateral mastectomy, breast reconstruction and oophorectomy completed at the same time.  You can imagine how difficult it is to coordinate three surgeon's schedules so, when they're all free to do the procedures, that's when I'll be having the surgeries done.  So, bye-bye plan! Isn't that how life goes anyway?

Since I'll be going through menopause soon, I've decided to design a series of fans for my upcoming hot flashes! LOL!  Stay tuned for those photos.  I'm just trying to find the beauty in all the pain y'all.  Look at how Madame Lazonga transformed this lady's mastectomy scars into a thing of beauty.

I want to share with you something that is very important.  African American women are disproportionately affected by breast cancer.  Often times, we present with more advance stages of breast cancer.  This could be due to a multitude of factors but, one major factor is that we don't go for our annual mammograms and we don't do self-examinations.  For those of us with familial history of, we are largely ignorant of who should have the BRCA test done.

Here is a list of reasons why you should speak to your OBGYN or Internal Medicine doctor about the BRCA test:

• A personal history of breast cancer at age 50 or younger
• A personal history of triple negative breast cancer (breast cancer that is estrogen receptor-negative, progesterone receptor-negative and HER2/neu receptor-negative) 
• A personal or family history of male breast cancer
• A personal or family history of bilateral breast cancer (cancer in both breasts)
• A personal history of ovarian cancer
• A parent, sibling, child, grandparent, grandchild, uncle, aunt, nephew, niece or first cousin diagnosed with breast cancer at age 45 or younger
• A mother, sister, daughter, grandmother, granddaughter, aunt, niece or first cousin diagnosed with ovarian cancer
• A family history of both breast and ovarian cancers on the same side of the family (either mother's or father's side of the family)
• Ashkenazi Jewish heritage and a family history of breast or ovarian cancer

Show Your TRUE Colors...

Today I feel yellow.  Yes, I feel in color.  What?  You don't.  Oh, see, the way my spirit is set up... (Kevin Hart reference).  I feel vibrant, sunny, full of energy, warm and bright.  So, I feel YELLOW.

Recently, I wished one of my sorority sisters (I used to be her advisor...yikes)/Facebook Friends a happy birthday.  She replied and said "I'm just loving how you've come into your own btw. Gives me something to look fwd to as I grow older."  I graciously replied to her but, my initial reaction wasn't one of appreciation.  I thought to myself, what was I before I came into my own?  What did she mean?  Then, I realized, I felt embarrassed because I wasn't being authentic and true to myself before.  That's why she could say that I've come into my own...because I have.  It's not about superficial things like my hair and my clothes, which have dramatically evolved since I met this young lady; it's about my willingness to be all the way me.

Anytime you try to be honest with yourself and the world, it comes at a cost.  People may think you're weird or off.  People may judge and make assumptions but, if you're comfortable with you...it rolls off your back and you move along. And you know what else?  You're FREE.

I'm grateful to that young lady for recognizing my growth and my true colors.  She paid me the best compliment!

What about you?  Are you being true to yourself?

WHY Didn't Someone Tell Me?

We all know that life is about trial and error.  Even when friends and family try to warn us about certain life situations we don't always listen.  Why do we do that?  Anyway, there are a few things that I wish SOMEONE would have told me before I really got out into the adult world.  Now that I'm a ripe old 31 (for two more months), and have had many interesting life discoveries, I can say that I really wish I didn't have to learn some of these things on my own!  It's a crazy list of body functions and self esteem items but, I think it's a good list.

1.  Your coo-coo can fart.  Yes, I said it.  I know it's uncouth and not at all lady like but, hey, this is one of those things I wish someone would have told me!  The first time it happened to me, I was beyond embarrassed!

2.  If YOU can smell you, so can OTHERS!  I wish I could say that I've never been smelly but, the reality is that I have.  If there is a feminine odor or a pit odor that is making its way up to your nose, please believe it's making its way to the noses of your nearest neighbors.
2B. Don't Douche!  Douching actually increases some of the bad bacteria in your vagina.  Your vagina really is like a cat in that it cleanses itself (still wash it, I'm just saying don't use douche).

3.  Beauty really is in the eye of the beholder.  Everyone has different standards of beauty.  You'll mess your entire mind up trying to become what the "perceived" standard of beauty is.  The man or woman for you, will fawn over how you make their heart go pitter-patter for all those random reasons like the scar under your eye or the freckles on your nose.

4.  No one cares about your accolades.  They only care about the kind of person you are.  You could have been the valedictorian of your high school class, graduated Magna Cum Laude from an ivy league college, posses innumerable cars and homes and no one would genuinely like you if you're an ass hole.

5. They make Nair for your face.  Listen, I have a bit of a beard and I don't want to shave.  So depilatories like Nair and Sally Hansen make life easy.  No need to have a mustache or beard...if you don't want to!

6.  Knowing what you want or at least the pursuit of finding out what you want out of life make the journey smoother.  College, your job, your mama, your friends - none of them can tell you what you want/need from YOUR LIFE!  You have to figure out how to be fulfilled.  You have to find your passion and seek it with all the vigor and tenacity in the world.  You only get one life.  Don't let someone else figure your life out for you!

Ta Ta Tittites!

As I mentioned in this post, my mother has breast cancer.  My grandmother also had breast cancer and my great-grandmother had ovarian cancer.  Because of that, I had the BRCA test done.  The BRCA test (pronounced "Brack-a") is a cancer risk and genetic test that will let you know if you have the BRCA1 or BRCA 2 genetic mutations.  The most famous person to have this test is Angelina Jolie. She had a double mastectomy as a result of having the BRCA1 gene mutation.

I did not anticipate having either one of the gene mutations.  I don't know why.  I suppose I am still suffering from that invincible mentality you have in your 20's.  Once needle prick, one scary phone call, and one 2 hour consultation later, I found out that I do have the BRCA1 gene mutation.  After consulting with my medical team and my husband, I decided to have my remaining ovary removed (I had the other one removed due to complications with PCOS) as well as have a double mastectomy.  I should note that I ELECTED to have these surgeries as they dramatically lessen my chances of developing ovarian and breast cancers.  However, there were several other treatment options available to me.

I have been beside myself with upset since I learned of my mother's breast cancer diagnosis.  Finding out that I have the BRCA1 gene mutation and finding out that, that means that I am over 78% more inclined to have breast cancer and over 60% more inclined to have ovarian cancer shook me so violently on the inside.  I started to fall into depression.  I felt hopeless and cursed.

Then, I had to remember that I am not a victim!  There are so many women that are literally fighting cancer right now!  I have been given the gift of prevention!  I am empowered because I have knowledge.  I am fortunate because I have healthcare and a treatment plan.  I am lucky to have a supportive husband and family and friends that love me.

So, now, I get to go through menopause at 32.   Which sucks but, you can't develop ovarian cancer with no ovaries.   Also, my fibroids will shrivel and die...WHOOP!  I get to pick out new boobs.  They'll be perky and sit-up even when I lay on my back!  There are so many silver linings that I can't possibly focus on the clouds.

Please check your breasts.  If you have a family history of breast cancer, please inquire about the BRCA test.  There are so many options for you.  Ignorance is NOT bliss...it's a killer.

Whore is in the Eye of the Beholder...

I am an advocate of women owning their sexuality.  Of course, not everyone feels the same.  Since people could call each other names, we've assigned labels to each other.  Those labels are used to control and manipulate people into doing or believing what others want them to.  Once such label is WHORE.  Here in America, where there is this enormous culture of shaming and hypocrisy, we help perpetuate this "Whore" shame cycle.

When a woman chooses to be intimate with multiple partners, she is considered a whore or promiscuous and the implications of being labeled as such, can tarnish her emotionally and socially.  If a man is intimate with multiple partners, he is lauded as a stud, a chick magnet, a Casanova.  We want women to be sexy but, not too sexy.  We want them to be flirtatious but, not too flirty.  It's lunacy really.  Why can't women enjoy sex and pleasure just as much as a man?  It's an outdated method of suppression and control that hearkens back to a time where women were simply viewed as property (unfortunately, in many parts of the world, this is still the case).

Knowing what you want and then going after it is not a shameful thing!  There is nothing shameful about your body and the fact that you want to pleasure it.  There is nothing dirty about enjoying sex with partners of your choosing.  Before I married my husband I slept with several different partners.  I don't feel bad about that.  If I had it to do over again, I do it the exact same way.

As long as you're being safe and monitoring your health, I say GO FOR IT!  Live your truth, and own your sexuality.  You're not a WHORE!  You're a WOMAN and that means you're a powerful, sexy beast!

#IFuckWhoWant #EndSexShaming #MyVaginaMyRules #NotYourWhore #WhoreWho #IAmWhatISAYIAm

Lunch Tables...

Cool table.  Nerd table. Goth kids' table. Weirdo table.  Remember those from high school?  I certainly do.  I remember the first time I shuffled through the lunch line in high school.  I also remember watching my fellow students clamor to their "assigned tables" while I stood there, styrofoam lunch tray in hand trying to figure out where I belonged.  It seemed like kids were saying "Ya can't sit here" like that kid on the bus in Forrest Gump.  Eventually, I think some of my friends and I claimed some lunch room territory thus, easing my anxiety about where I fit in.  However, I never felt "in".  Why am I rehashing my lack of lunch room esteem from freshman year of high school?  Very simple answer.  The "assigned" tables never really go away.

No matter what realm you're in - work, school, online, church, etc.  Those divisions always exist.  Those cliques and groups still have the power to make you feel left out and lonely.  But, the one thing that you have now, that you may not have had back in your freshman year of high school is experience.  You know that the cool kids are one bad hair cut, one failed relationship, one embarrassing body function away from not being cool anymore.  You know that the nerds are passionate about learning and that, that isn't a bad thing.  You also know that you can float between groups and never have to fit into a particular lunch group again!  You DO know all those things right?

When I read posts about the cliques in blog land or the elitist party goers and givers, I think folks are only upset because they don't feel "in".  I've been there...that's really envy talking.  Folks are envious of the lifestyle/experience that the people are having at their lunch table.  My response to those feelings is really simple:  join the table.  Join the table!  Don't wait for an invitation.  You don't have to be OF the group to ENJOY the group.  

It's much easier to complain about being left out, than to break the ice and join in.  Hell, you may even realize, that you want to start your own table...imagine the possibilities!

    

That REAL Body Con...

Ever look at someone and say that they should or shouldn't be wearing something based on how comfortable or uncomfortable they made you feel?  I have done that way more times than I'd care to admit.  She is too big for that dress!  Those shorts make her legs look chunky!  I can see her panties through her tights!  SHE IS TOO BIG FOR A CROP TOP!!!

Yeah, I'm the thick/curvy/plus-size chick that wore a crop top with NO Shame and NO Regrets.  It took me finding out that my mom has breast cancer and respecting her decision to treat it holistically to realize that life is not for waiting.  Life is for doing. The fact that my mother is standing firm in her beliefs is frightening to me but, she is so confidently and gracefully living. It's beautiful and scary all at the same time.

So, I've started the process of living just the way I want to and shedding those shame and fear layers.  I like the girl that I'm discovering!  She's brave and bold and apologetically HERSELF!

Okay, so, this is my favorite pose.  I feel sexy and womanly and golden here.  Thanks to my hubby for the photos.

Here is a little tidbit for you.  I don't actually wear glasses but, I love the way I look in them.  So, I always have some faux glasses on hand!

That black and white necklace says "Give Life".  This necklace means so much to me now.  Give life in smiles, Give life through self-confidence, Give life through being you!

There are few sights that stir my soul like the wisteria covered trees in the Spring time.

I've been Wonder Woman for like...EVER! LOL!  Didn't you know?

Dogwood trees are some of the most beautiful to me.  There is a quiet beauty about them....

Now that I've worn my stomach out, I don't know what my next foray into forbidden fashion choices will be, but, I'm know I'm not afraid.

Haters. Haters! Haters?

Do you have haters?  Really?  See, I don't believe I do.  Not in the secretly plotting my demise, perpetual shade casting, seething with disdain, banana in my tailpipe way.  It's totally feasible that I've offended someone with my off-color jokes or that I've shocked someone by saying that I don't believe in God or that I've ruffled some feathers by being a bi-sexual married lady.  Even with all that...I just don't believe that there is this battalion of haters out there thirsting for my blood.  Sure, there may be folks that don't like me.  Sure, they may gossip about me.  But, hell, honestly, there are folks that I don't like and folks I gossip about.  I don't HATE them though!

Here is what I think.  I think folks have embraced this "hater mentality" and taken it too far!  If these haters exist, why glorify them with memes and social media posts?  Don't give them any of your precious energy.  If you choose to believe you have this gang of haters, then, also believe that your happiness, success and peace of mind will upset them so much that they'll have to go and find someone else who is actually affected by their hating schemes.

I am not insinuating that haters don't exist.  I'm just saying they're not as plentiful as popular culture would have you believe.  Furthermore, someone that doesn't agree with you, doesn't like you, doesn't march to the beat of your drum...doesn't HATE you...they just don't agree with or like you.  AND THAT'S OKAY!  It's not cause for songs and memes.

I definitely don't have a PhD...Playa Hatin' Degree.

Hiatus and Catharsis...

Dear You,

During my hiatus from this space several life altering events have occurred.  I'm sure in the weeks and months ahead, I'll share those and many more experiences with you.  After all, being a blogger and sharing your life experiences with the world is nothing less than cathartic. My goal is that my catharsis becomes a source of comfort and confidence for you.

You know what is important to me?  You.  No, I'm serious.  There are so many nouns (people, places, things) in the world that take from, hurt, abuse, enslave and scare us.  Especially those of us with vaginas.  We typically don't take good care of each other as we should.  That's unfortunate.

So, with deliberate and focused energy, I am saying that I am endeavoring to pour into you all that the world has purposely or passively taken from you.  Well, all that I have to give that is.

This space is still going to be a miscellaneous, hodge podge of all that I feel good about sharing.  However, the overall goal is to uplift and inspire...me and you.

You're fucking amazing,
Rochelle