Brave...

I used to be an infrequent poster on my blog because I was always grappling with what content to post in the first place.  It was a rare occasion that my thoughts, planning and actions fell into line for a good blog post.  Then, I found out my mother had breast cancer, found out that I have the genetic mutation that causes breast and ovarian cancer, made the decision to have a mastectomy and oophorectomy (ovary removal), I became a PREVIVOR and I had something to write about.

When I had the mastectomy, everything changed.  I suddenly didn't care about sharing recipes or posts about parenting.  I didn't want to empower and inform.  I only wanted to "shelter in place" to endure this whirlwind of emotions that loosing your breasts while watching your mother battle breast cancer whips up.

Some people have called me brave for having a mastectomy as a preventative measure.  Some people have said that I've inspired and encouraged them.  All that makes me feel good.  I really did it because I love life...more specifically my life and I want to be able to enjoy it for as long as possible.  So, I suppose I don't see myself as all that brave because self-preservation was my primary motive.  I just want to be here to experience my amazing family and lovely friends.

My mother is fighting this fucking cancer.  I mean she is grappling with it.  How can I possibly lament loosing my breasts when she is going through this?  I feel guilty.  Now SHE is brave!  It's torturous to know that she is sick.  I love her so much and I just want her to have peace in her mind and healing in her body.  Knowing that she is sick and that there is nothing I can do about it creates a misery within me that I've previously never encountered.  No one loves me like my mama and no one ever will.  My heart quakes even as I write.

Here I am on the heels of another surgery.  This time, I get breast implants, my bulging latissimus muscles get tucked into place (back muscles that were used to reconstruct a breast mound...Google it. It's interesting) and my remaining ovary is going to be removed.  Menopause is knocking on my door begging to come in.  I know it's not that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things.  However, when I envisioned age 32, that shit wasn't on my radar.  So, I'm being brave again.  Enduring the knife again.  When my linens are clinging to my body after enduring a deluge of night sweat and my personal inferno leads me to the freezer to stand and enjoy the cool air, I will try and remember that I am brave.  I sacrificed the very parts that make me a woman so that I could have a full life with those that I love.

But, I'm brave though...

Giving You the Breasts That I've Got...

DISCLAIMER:  This post contains graphic images.  If you have a weak stomach, you may not want to read all the way through.  Additionally, I am sharing these photos and information to empower, educate and encourage anyone out there who is going through this.  If you know someone that needs to read this, please share it with them.

These days, I spend my time watching ridiculous amounts of television.  I work on organizing my craft studio.  I jot down my goals and plans for the future. I read books, listen to entire albums and force myself to face my fears. That's what you do when you're recovering from a double mastectomy I guess.  You busy yourself with the business of not being busy.

Having to deal with my emotions has proven to be the most difficult task that I've tackled thus far.  The physical pain and discomfort has taken a back seat to my emotions.  They run the gambit.  Fear, joy, disappointment, self-pitty, relief...  I know I have emerged from this experience a changed woman.  This experience has been just as impactful as having a child or getting married.  It has forced me to see myself in a different way.  I've had to redefine what womanhood, sex, identity and self esteem are to me.

One of the many perks of having this surgery has been talking to mom during the day.  I never thought when I was a teenager that my life wouldn't feel balanced if I didn't talk to my mother all the time.  She is currently fighting breast cancer and she NEVER complains.  She meets her challenge head-on with the ferocious intensity of an NFL player.  So, then, how I could I possibly complain?  The answer is, I cannot.  So, I won't.

I have had to dig deeper and love myself MORE to compensate for the challenges you go through when you are learning your new body.  The first time I saw what my breasts looked like, I broke down (and a couple more times after that).  It has been a constant battle grappling with this image everyday.  Then, I think of what cancer patients have to go through and I consider myself lucky.

When I have the second surgery, they won't look like this.  They're be beautiful and perky.  However, this is stage one.  There are tissue expanders in each breast that they will gradually fill-up until I'm my desired cup size.  It's a long process but, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

These tubes are called JP Drains.  They drain all the excess fluids from my surgery sites.  See how they're stitched into my skin?  That's very painful.  Initially, I had 8 drains, now I'm down to two.  The fluid has to be less than 30ccs before they'll remove a drain.  And when they do...let's just say it's not the most pleasant thing.  They tell you to breathe in and out and the second round, they yank it out.  Sigh...

This is where the plastic surgeon used my latissimus muscle, tissue and skin from my back to reconstruct my breasts.  As you can imagine, I sleep in a chair because I can't lay on my back, front, or sides.  

So, as you can see, this process isn't pretty.  It isn't glamorous but, I am fighting BREAST CANCER!  I am #Previvor and I couldn't be more proud of that.

I hope that you share my journey with your sister friends.  It only takes mere moments to check your breasts LIKE THIS.  It only takes one blood test to know if you have these genetic mutations.  Google BRCA tests. No worries, here is a great link, click on it and learn, learn, learn!

The Power of my Sister Circle...

This past weekend, I had my "TaTa Titties" party.  My girlfriends made the whole thing possible.  It was my idea to have the party but, I realized that my sheckles (money, cash, moola) were low and so, I wanted to cancel it.  Not only did my girlfriends pay for the venue but, they paid for the food, beverages, dishes and cutlery.  I handled the decorations because I have a love affair with crafting.  SN:  Get a load of my tin cans that I painted gold and covered with lace.  They served as vases for my tissue paper roses.

The main reason I wanted to have this party was to raise awareness for the BRCA1 and BRCA2: Cancer Risk and Genetic Testing.  I'm grateful for the testing because that's how I found out that I have the BRCA1 genetic mutation; which is why I'm having the prophylactic double mastectomy.  I also wanted to give my breasts the proper send-off!  However, the party turned into a celebration of sister hood.  My sister circle is strong y'all!

You know RW Designs had to create photo signs!  This a photo of my best friend, NeShanta and I.  She did all the food and even ordered some special items for me to wear on surgery day!

This is Tiffany!  She made me the cutest button earrings that say "TaTa Titties" and "Bye Bye Boobies".

This is Carole.  She owns a resale shop called Yezterdayz.  She made me three containers of amazing shea butter.

Carole and Ashanti are both part of Thirsty 4 Vintage.  I was so grateful that they came out!

My girl Tiffany again!

My girlfriend Janelle of Never Dessert You made me the most beautiful and, the most delicious titty cupcakes and Mastectomy cake pops.  They were a hit and really made the theme of the party come to life!

There were Titty Games and all sorts of FUNNERS!  There was the "Stuff Your Bra" game, the "Titty Word Scramble" and the "Make a Bra Out of Tissue" game.  There were gag gifts for all the winners of course!  

It was so uplifting and inspiring you guys.  Each woman present spoke about me in such a beautiful and compassionate way.  I was humbled and floored by the out pouring of love and support!

I know this was a long post y'all but, I'm so grateful that I was able to have this party.

Oh!  And since it was an all ladies affair, the men in my life, made a video for me!  Check it out!

http://youtu.be/S8zeeMvj7Ms

Finally, pin the hell out this party and share it with your friends!