Yep, 'cause no other form of discipline has EVER worked right? WTF!
The way in which we're raising Picard is completely different from the way my mama raised me. That's okay because she and I are two different people that have had two very different sets of life experiences. When I realized I was to become a mother, I began recalling my upbringing and deciding which strategies and tactics I would take with me into my own parenting journey. I was surprised to realize, that I didn't want to use much of what I experienced. I didn't want to continue the tradition (especially in the African American community) of spankings/beatings and I didn't want to let my frustration guide my parenting and yell and react harshly when kids do...well...kid shit.
I guess if I had to put a title on our style of parenting it would be conscious parenting. I really like to call it "purposeful parenting".
Disclaimer: My mother was/is a good mom. She did what she thought was best and I am forever grateful for the mother that she is. As much as I'm trying to be a good mother, I know that inevitably, my little guy will grow into a man and critique and question the parenting choices that his father and are making. Though it may sting a little...I'll encourage him to be a purposeful parent and invest time in actually learning how to be the best parent possible. Part of that is looking at your own experiences.
I do not allow anyone else's opinion on how children should be raised to impact my decisions for my son. I don't spank him because I don't believe that hitting my son and acquiring his respect and obedience through fear is the best I can do as a parent. My thinking is that - since I have been on earth 27 years longer than him, I can most certainly use my intellect and creativity to EARN his respect and obedience. The notion that your child must respect and obey you simply because they're your child to me...is inaccurate. Spankings for me as a child, only served to stop me from exhibiting whatever the offending behavior was in front of my mother. It did not curtail my desire to do whatever it was. It did not teach me WHY whatever the behavior was - was wrong. You know what DID teach me? My mother's words. After I got spankings, I received lengthy talks about the offending behavior. Spanking = no lesson/Talking and Discussing = lesson Another thing is, I only got spankings when my mom was angry. I don't think your frustrations should be physically taken out on a child.
I don't really need to say "to each his own" because that is a given. I already know I'm in the minority. However, I'm sharing this because I don't think many of us are "Purposeful Parents". I think a lot of us just do what we can to take good care of our children. Folks will go to school and conferences to learn how to become an engineer or how to be a successful blogger and will never pick-up a parenting book or even just take a moment to evaluate how well they're doing as a parent.
Don't get me wrong, sometimes Mr. Picard takes me there and I want to pop him one! It's definitely not EASY to parent him this way. It would be much easier for me to hit him. Yell at him. Shut him down. BUT I realize that all of those behaviors would be showing him the antithesis of what I want him to exemplify as a person. If I give in to some of my urges and spank him, I'm not being a good communicator, I'm not exhibiting self control, creative problem solving and non-violent conflict resolution.
I am an advocate of "Purposeful Parenting". Decide that you're going to be invested in being a parent. Evaluate your parenting every once in a while and make a conscious effort to increase your parenting skills. It benefits your child, you and your family as a whole.
Do you ever think about how you parent?
yes! i am totally a 'slacker parent' and i think it's because my daughter is such a great kid. she's 16 and has been to 12 concerts already, without adult supervision, and that's because i trust her. i give her plenty of rope to hang herself and she never does. so i sit back and let her do her thing. i don't nag or bother her and vice versa. now, if she were a different child then, yes, i would get in her butt! but so far so good!
ReplyDeleteRochelle, what you've written here could have come straight from my own brain. I'm with you on this one (even the bit where I acknowledge that my own kids will find fault with my parenting in the future). It is certainly a more difficult path - especially when faced with such ferocious oppositional behaviour that it feels like a good spanking may be the ONLY way to get through to the child, but I truly feel that my hubby and I have made the right choices. Like you, the spankings I received as a child did not have anywhere near the impact that my parents' words had. I try to remember that when my temper rises beyond boiling point. ;-) You're doing a great job!
ReplyDeleteAgreed all the way around with this one. I didn't get hit much when i was younger, but the couple of spankings I did get, I never understood. I grew up saying I'd never hit my children, without thinking through why...it just felt wrong. Now as a more thoughtful adult, your entire post could've been straight from my mouth. I am glad we're taking this approach with him and our future child(ren) even though it's a hard and frustrating road, I'm certain it's much better for us.
ReplyDeleteTotal agreement! Love this!!!! You know we were raised SO similar!
ReplyDeleteI agree wholeheartdly. I was raised by a Grandmother who loved me with all her heart & soul and the only beating I got from her was due to jealousy. I raised one son who was such a good boy that I did not have to do spanking, but I would give that pinch every so often when he was rude to others. If I had to do it all over again I would be an advocate of Purposeful Parenting.
ReplyDeleteFirst let me just say that I came here to get a squash recipe and came across this post. God is good because I needed to see this. I am constantly thinking about how I'm parenting. My daughter is 3 now and her behavior is starting to get a little crazy. I know most of what she does is typical for this age but it doesn't stop me from trying to figure out how to change her behavior. I have struggled with whether or not spanking is the answer. I agree with you. I do not want to respond to her behavior out of frustration. It is def something I am working on. Thank you for this post!!!!
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you made it to this post! We all have to focus on what we're doing to become better parents to our children. By sheer virtue of the fact that you care about improving means you're already practicing "Purposeful Parenting".
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