Cheers to Growth...

I am writing this from my red chair that sits in a clumsy spot in my living room.  This chair has been my bed since I returned home from the hospital.  Since I cannot lay comfortably (or without pain) in a bed, I'm here and here I shall stay until my two remaining drains are removed.

If I am to emerge from this recovery with my sanity, I must follow the doctor's orders to "take it easy". Therefore, I spend my days busying myself with the business of being busy.  As much as one can be busy whilst "taking it easy".  I haven't had this much time to think since I was a young woman entering college. When you're rushing around the world every day, working, cooking, commuting, and planning - there is no time to quiet your mind and think.  Well, I should say, I never really took the time to quiet my mind and think. I truly believe that's why I've made some poor decisions.

Source: www.iworeyogapants.com

When I lost my breasts, I lost so much of that shell that encased my mind.  I realized that I am accountable for my emotions.  I am responsible for my actions and reactions.  It's up to me, to determine how I behave in the world.  It doesn't matter what life experiences have shaped my existence.  It only matters that I understand that I am only in control of me.

Here is some of what this means to me:

1.  I will love myself even when it's hard to see myself for who I am.  No matter what, I will put my mind and heart first.  If I take complete care of myself, I can be there for others.

2.  I will make an effort to respect everyone and try to put myself in their shoes.

3.  I will hold myself accountable for all of my actions.

4.  I will not allow anyone to hold me emotionally hostage.  I cannot maintain any relationship where candid honesty is not the nucleus of the bond.  Maintaining a stress free relationship requires that there are no secret qualms that one party has and expects the other to figure out.  It's draining and counterproductive.

Hopefully, with these realizations, I'll be more balanced.  I owe this all to my mastectomy.  There have been so many silver linings.  I'm grateful for this journey.

Giving You the Breasts That I've Got...

DISCLAIMER:  This post contains graphic images.  If you have a weak stomach, you may not want to read all the way through.  Additionally, I am sharing these photos and information to empower, educate and encourage anyone out there who is going through this.  If you know someone that needs to read this, please share it with them.

These days, I spend my time watching ridiculous amounts of television.  I work on organizing my craft studio.  I jot down my goals and plans for the future. I read books, listen to entire albums and force myself to face my fears. That's what you do when you're recovering from a double mastectomy I guess.  You busy yourself with the business of not being busy.

Having to deal with my emotions has proven to be the most difficult task that I've tackled thus far.  The physical pain and discomfort has taken a back seat to my emotions.  They run the gambit.  Fear, joy, disappointment, self-pitty, relief...  I know I have emerged from this experience a changed woman.  This experience has been just as impactful as having a child or getting married.  It has forced me to see myself in a different way.  I've had to redefine what womanhood, sex, identity and self esteem are to me.

One of the many perks of having this surgery has been talking to mom during the day.  I never thought when I was a teenager that my life wouldn't feel balanced if I didn't talk to my mother all the time.  She is currently fighting breast cancer and she NEVER complains.  She meets her challenge head-on with the ferocious intensity of an NFL player.  So, then, how I could I possibly complain?  The answer is, I cannot.  So, I won't.

I have had to dig deeper and love myself MORE to compensate for the challenges you go through when you are learning your new body.  The first time I saw what my breasts looked like, I broke down (and a couple more times after that).  It has been a constant battle grappling with this image everyday.  Then, I think of what cancer patients have to go through and I consider myself lucky.

When I have the second surgery, they won't look like this.  They're be beautiful and perky.  However, this is stage one.  There are tissue expanders in each breast that they will gradually fill-up until I'm my desired cup size.  It's a long process but, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

These tubes are called JP Drains.  They drain all the excess fluids from my surgery sites.  See how they're stitched into my skin?  That's very painful.  Initially, I had 8 drains, now I'm down to two.  The fluid has to be less than 30ccs before they'll remove a drain.  And when they do...let's just say it's not the most pleasant thing.  They tell you to breathe in and out and the second round, they yank it out.  Sigh...

This is where the plastic surgeon used my latissimus muscle, tissue and skin from my back to reconstruct my breasts.  As you can imagine, I sleep in a chair because I can't lay on my back, front, or sides.  

So, as you can see, this process isn't pretty.  It isn't glamorous but, I am fighting BREAST CANCER!  I am #Previvor and I couldn't be more proud of that.

I hope that you share my journey with your sister friends.  It only takes mere moments to check your breasts LIKE THIS.  It only takes one blood test to know if you have these genetic mutations.  Google BRCA tests. No worries, here is a great link, click on it and learn, learn, learn!

Dear Sweetest Thing...

It's 4:16am.  I'm sitting in our dark living room bathed in the light of our flat screen that sits perched atop our mantle.  My body is sore and aching recovering from having some drains removed from both breasts and the two incisions on my back.  I'm feeling emotional and I'm reflecting as a result of a film, Rob the Mob. The movie is centered around a modern day "Bonnie and Clyde" that rob a few Mafia Social clubs.  Their love for each other was so raw.  Even through their life circumstances, their love was the beacon that shined through.  It reminds me of the raw, unconditional love my husband and I share.

This double mastectomy has changed my life and the lives of those around me in ways, I'm sure, we've yet to discover.  Throughout this entire process, there has not been one minute during which I have not being enveloped in love and support.  My constant companion and supporter has been my husband, Terence.  Even as I'm composing this, he is asleep, (rather uncomfortably) on the couch next to me.  He won't leave my side.  Love like that is...beautiful.

He comforts me, he encourages me, he sees beauty where I see flaws.  He lifts me up.  I could list his many, many positive attributes.  I could wax poetic about our bond and our unwavering commitment to each other.  However, instead, right now...I'd like to just use this space to revel in the glow of his love while I bathe in the light of the television in our dark living room.

Grateful for him.

The Power of my Sister Circle...

This past weekend, I had my "TaTa Titties" party.  My girlfriends made the whole thing possible.  It was my idea to have the party but, I realized that my sheckles (money, cash, moola) were low and so, I wanted to cancel it.  Not only did my girlfriends pay for the venue but, they paid for the food, beverages, dishes and cutlery.  I handled the decorations because I have a love affair with crafting.  SN:  Get a load of my tin cans that I painted gold and covered with lace.  They served as vases for my tissue paper roses.

The main reason I wanted to have this party was to raise awareness for the BRCA1 and BRCA2: Cancer Risk and Genetic Testing.  I'm grateful for the testing because that's how I found out that I have the BRCA1 genetic mutation; which is why I'm having the prophylactic double mastectomy.  I also wanted to give my breasts the proper send-off!  However, the party turned into a celebration of sister hood.  My sister circle is strong y'all!

You know RW Designs had to create photo signs!  This a photo of my best friend, NeShanta and I.  She did all the food and even ordered some special items for me to wear on surgery day!

This is Tiffany!  She made me the cutest button earrings that say "TaTa Titties" and "Bye Bye Boobies".

This is Carole.  She owns a resale shop called Yezterdayz.  She made me three containers of amazing shea butter.

Carole and Ashanti are both part of Thirsty 4 Vintage.  I was so grateful that they came out!

My girl Tiffany again!

My girlfriend Janelle of Never Dessert You made me the most beautiful and, the most delicious titty cupcakes and Mastectomy cake pops.  They were a hit and really made the theme of the party come to life!

There were Titty Games and all sorts of FUNNERS!  There was the "Stuff Your Bra" game, the "Titty Word Scramble" and the "Make a Bra Out of Tissue" game.  There were gag gifts for all the winners of course!  

It was so uplifting and inspiring you guys.  Each woman present spoke about me in such a beautiful and compassionate way.  I was humbled and floored by the out pouring of love and support!

I know this was a long post y'all but, I'm so grateful that I was able to have this party.

Oh!  And since it was an all ladies affair, the men in my life, made a video for me!  Check it out!

http://youtu.be/S8zeeMvj7Ms

Finally, pin the hell out this party and share it with your friends!

I Accept It All...

When I decided that I would share my mastectomy journey with the world, I don't know what my expectations were.  I'm not certain that I had any expectations.  I just knew that I wanted to share my story in hopes that I would soothe and ease someone's mind.  I wanted mostly to educate, inform and empower women with my story.  I wanted my African American sisters to know how this cancer is more aggressive when it comes to us.  I wanted to be the example, the mouth piece, the very, very vocal spokesperson.

I was so grateful when all the well wishes and prayers started rolling in.  I'm the kind of person that really enjoys helping.  However, I have a really difficult time accepting kindness.  I know that I am worthy of the love and support that I am receiving.  It's just not the easiest thing - letting people do so much for me.

I know most if not all of my supporters are devout Christians.  They tell me that they're praying for me.  That they're standing in the gap for me.  That they're taking me and my family to the alter with them during their worship services.  I cannot express how much I appreciate these prayers.  I consider myself an atheist.  I don't believe in God.  If there is a God, I don't think I believe in the "traditional" sense of what God is.  So, I completely understand when I get those... "I know you're not a believer but...", "You don't have to pray, I'll pray for you...".  It used to really aggravate me until I realized, that they're sharing their faith in order to show me kindness.  I know that folks are expressing their love...in their way.  I WILLINGLY ACCEPT and RESPECT IT ALL!

It may be hard for some to understand how I could live my life with "no faith".  The reality is that I DO have faith.  I have faith in my beautiful family and marvelous friends.  I have faith in mother Earth and the infinite expanse of the universe.  I have faith in mankind.  I know everyone won't agree or like what I feel but, I just wanted to share a little about my mindset and what is getting me through this tough time.

I freely accept all positive energy in the form of prayers, meditations, mentions, shout outs, sisterly talks, brotherly talks, hugs, kisses, art work, songs or WHATEVER!

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

I'm Rochelle and RoseRedd.  E-mail me at: rosereddsaid@gmail.com

The Date is SET! Bye Bye Boobies.

Yesterday, I found out that my Prophylactic Bi-Lateral Mastectomy (I never tire of typing that, it really is a testament to the dexterity of my fingers) is going to be on MAY 30th.  That means I have 27 days left with my original breasts.  I was so drained yesterday.  I felt relieved, scared, nervous, anxious, angry, sad, happy, pessimistic and optimistic all at the same damn time.  I was intent upon not having "Birthday Surgery".  I didn't want to celebrate my 32nd birthday (June 14th) with a mastectomy for goodness sake!  Then, I remembered, I'm having this done so that I can have many more birthdays!  HELL YEAH to more birthdays!

I had to include this cartoon.  People think what I'm doing is extreme but, when you look at it like this...it's so easy to understand.  As if not wanting breast cancer or ovarian cancer wasn't enough.

So, now, of course, I'm busying myself with lists and chores so that I can be prepared to be incapacitated for a few weeks.  I have an awesome support system and I don't know if I could go through this without them. My husband is beyond amazing.  Had he not brought this test to my attention, I wouldn't even know my status! My most FUN activity that I'm planning is my TA TA TITTIES/BYE BYE BOOBIES party! I don't know why this party has become so important to me.  I guess I just want to give my breasts a proper send off.

Anyway, I hope that you share my journey with your sister friends.  It only takes mere moments to check your breasts LIKE THIS.  It only takes one blood test to know if you have these genetic mutations.  Google BRCA tests. No worries, here is a great link, click on it and learn, learn, learn!

Remember Who You Are...

When you become discouraged, it's hard to see your value.  I don't know many women that are not striving towards some sort of goal.  You want to be a better blogger, you want to sell your crafts, you want to gain more clients, you want to be a better home manager...  Everyone is on the come up.  It is so very easy to loose sight of your goals in the forest of doubts and fears.  We've all journeyed through that forest.  The tree limbs are thick, the air is foul and no sunlight pours through the canopy to warm you.  What you have to remember during your voyage through that space is that you are worthy.

You are worthy of whatever your dreams are.  Never lose sight of your self.  It takes so much energy to be sullen, doubtful and discouraged.  You have the power to decide that you're going to use that energy for growth, positivity and self improvement!  When has it ever been easy to achieve a dream?  Your experiences are your battle scars.  You're fighting for your life, for your dreams, for your success!  Just like the scar you got from falling off of your bicycle when you were learning to ride, these tough times are part of the process.

What is important and what you must do is lean on your sister circle when you need encouragement.  You are NEVER alone!  It is imperative that we learn to support and uplift each other on a regular basis.  We all need help from time to time.  My sister circle has grown to include women that I've never even met in person!  I find comfort in sharing with them.  I learn from them, I draw strength from them.  Form your circle and become comfortable taking what you need from it and reciprocating as well.

If there is one thing the world needs less of is miserable women.  We are the mothers of the Earth!  We give birth to the children.  We arouse desires.  We nurture and soothe.  We are the catalysts for so much positivity and progression!  Remember that!  Take that with you!

Encourage your sister/friend that is down.  Remind her of who she is and what she is capable of.  Life is going to happen...but, what are you gonna do about it?